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| Fear of Abandonment Single parents healing the inner child. Part 2. |
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In the 1960’s, the ‘baby-boomers’ decided to completely turn this concept of
family life upside down. They challenged authority and rebelled against those
ideals that did not make sense anymore. With the introduction of the pill, came
the freedom of multiple partners and the decline of family values. Play became
as important as, if not more important than, work. Rather than living with our
parents until we married, we moved out of the family home to live with friends
or significant others. We had little interest in participating in or taking over the
family business. We travelled and indulged our senses. We strove for higher
education. As parents, many stopped teaching the children by ‘strapping them’
into behaving appropriately. We explained things to the children and then
listened to their responses.
This was a fabulous time and we benefited greatly. We prospered. We were
more knowledgeable about the world around us and we were healthier. We had
freedom of movement, speech and expression. We made our own music and
had fun, fun, fun.
Unfortunately, we gained these freedoms at the expense of traditional family
values. Generation X-ers are the baby boomers legacy. Generation X-ers
became the abandoned generation, the fatherless generation.
To a large degree, baby boomers swung too far from the centre and it appears
that Generation X-ers are now trying to deal with the fallout. Many have been
wounded. Some have been broken. It’s time to find an equitable balance
between the old family values and the new freedoms.
Generation X-ers are looking for their fathers and they will not be silenced.
They demand answers. They are educated and informed and they will look you
in the eye and ask you point blank what they need to hear. Now if you think for
one moment that you can get away with that sad story you have prepared, you
had better think again. Responses that begin with ‘when I was a boy’ and end
with a moral will not be accepted by this generation as reasons for doing or not
doing something. These people know what truth is, they expect the truth. They
have laser-like eyes that will penetrate you if you try to give them anything less
than the truth. These children want and need their childhood to make sense.
They need their memories.
There are many reasons for single parent homes. What is, is. As mentioned
before, this page is not about guilt, resentment or shame. I simply need to bring
to your attention the fact that the time has come to stand up and be counted.
Much can be explained and probably should be, but at the very least we all
need to know that we matter, and we all need to hear that we matter from our
parents. Likewise, we as parents need to hear that we matter to our children.
My niece will never have her own childhood memories of her father. We will
share our memories of him with her and hope that they help her to understand
who he was. Absent parents should make themselves available to participate in
the creation of their child’s memories. Reading this now you may be holding
back some information that could complete someone. Why not take the time to
share that information?
Many women have been devastated by the breakdown of their domestic
partnership, marriage or otherwise, and are extremely hostile towards the father
of their children. Some women don’t know who that father is, and there are
also situations in which it really would be unwise or even dangerous to make
contact with the father. But, if contact can be arranged and both parties do
desire to reconnect then surly personal differences between the parents should
be set aside.
This should be about the child and not about the adults. If a meeting cannot be
arranged, then perhaps a letter can be. Contacting the father’s family can also
provide information. If all of this is totally out of the question, then at the very
least, you should make time to sit down with your child, and putting your
animosity aside, try to give your child a fair understanding of who their father is
or was, and what he is or was about.
In most cases, this man was good enough to sleep with and at one time you saw
something special in him. Put everything else aside for a moment and recall what
that was.
Simple things like the music, movies and books he liked, his facial expressions
and the sound of his laughter. See if you can find photographs. Ask his family
for some. If you don’t already know, find out about his parents and siblings,
who his friends were or where he grew up. Did he play sports or a musical
instrument. What did he like and how did he do in school. There is so much that
can be filled in for your child if you allow it.
Maybe your ex became a real loser or perhaps he was even dangerous.
Whatever the circumstance, it’s vitally important to remember that your child
has genetic links with this man and will be, in part, a reflection of his genes.
Bad behaviour is not genetic. Bad behaviour stems from experience and is a
learned response. The basic nature of the beast is pure and loving.
family life upside down. They challenged authority and rebelled against those
ideals that did not make sense anymore. With the introduction of the pill, came
the freedom of multiple partners and the decline of family values. Play became
as important as, if not more important than, work. Rather than living with our
parents until we married, we moved out of the family home to live with friends
or significant others. We had little interest in participating in or taking over the
family business. We travelled and indulged our senses. We strove for higher
education. As parents, many stopped teaching the children by ‘strapping them’
into behaving appropriately. We explained things to the children and then
listened to their responses.
This was a fabulous time and we benefited greatly. We prospered. We were
more knowledgeable about the world around us and we were healthier. We had
freedom of movement, speech and expression. We made our own music and
had fun, fun, fun.
Unfortunately, we gained these freedoms at the expense of traditional family
values. Generation X-ers are the baby boomers legacy. Generation X-ers
became the abandoned generation, the fatherless generation.
To a large degree, baby boomers swung too far from the centre and it appears
that Generation X-ers are now trying to deal with the fallout. Many have been
wounded. Some have been broken. It’s time to find an equitable balance
between the old family values and the new freedoms.
Generation X-ers are looking for their fathers and they will not be silenced.
They demand answers. They are educated and informed and they will look you
in the eye and ask you point blank what they need to hear. Now if you think for
one moment that you can get away with that sad story you have prepared, you
had better think again. Responses that begin with ‘when I was a boy’ and end
with a moral will not be accepted by this generation as reasons for doing or not
doing something. These people know what truth is, they expect the truth. They
have laser-like eyes that will penetrate you if you try to give them anything less
than the truth. These children want and need their childhood to make sense.
They need their memories.
There are many reasons for single parent homes. What is, is. As mentioned
before, this page is not about guilt, resentment or shame. I simply need to bring
to your attention the fact that the time has come to stand up and be counted.
Much can be explained and probably should be, but at the very least we all
need to know that we matter, and we all need to hear that we matter from our
parents. Likewise, we as parents need to hear that we matter to our children.
My niece will never have her own childhood memories of her father. We will
share our memories of him with her and hope that they help her to understand
who he was. Absent parents should make themselves available to participate in
the creation of their child’s memories. Reading this now you may be holding
back some information that could complete someone. Why not take the time to
share that information?
Many women have been devastated by the breakdown of their domestic
partnership, marriage or otherwise, and are extremely hostile towards the father
of their children. Some women don’t know who that father is, and there are
also situations in which it really would be unwise or even dangerous to make
contact with the father. But, if contact can be arranged and both parties do
desire to reconnect then surly personal differences between the parents should
be set aside.
This should be about the child and not about the adults. If a meeting cannot be
arranged, then perhaps a letter can be. Contacting the father’s family can also
provide information. If all of this is totally out of the question, then at the very
least, you should make time to sit down with your child, and putting your
animosity aside, try to give your child a fair understanding of who their father is
or was, and what he is or was about.
In most cases, this man was good enough to sleep with and at one time you saw
something special in him. Put everything else aside for a moment and recall what
that was.
Simple things like the music, movies and books he liked, his facial expressions
and the sound of his laughter. See if you can find photographs. Ask his family
for some. If you don’t already know, find out about his parents and siblings,
who his friends were or where he grew up. Did he play sports or a musical
instrument. What did he like and how did he do in school. There is so much that
can be filled in for your child if you allow it.
Maybe your ex became a real loser or perhaps he was even dangerous.
Whatever the circumstance, it’s vitally important to remember that your child
has genetic links with this man and will be, in part, a reflection of his genes.
Bad behaviour is not genetic. Bad behaviour stems from experience and is a
learned response. The basic nature of the beast is pure and loving.
I am not talking exclusively about absent fathers. Of course there are absent mothers, and sometimes both
parents are absent. There are unique issues with adopted children and, more recently, with sperm bank
children, which makes it difficult to identify or trace the parent.
The absence of a connection with a parent during a child’s formative years can be extremely detrimental to
that child, it can result in feelings of abandonment that cause emotional instability in later years. Grown-ups
are kids, too, and can suffer a similar sense of abandonment when their child becomes estranged from the
family. We tend to overlook the immense pain and loss a parent feels when they become separated from
their child. Of course there are many households in which all family members are physically present but
abandoned none the less.
Fear of abandonment is at the root of many psychological hang-ups. Any therapist will tell you that
jealousy, insecurity, aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, low self-esteem or other emotional imbalances will
commonly have a basis in abandonment issues. How can we not hold deep fears if we were abandoned in
the one place that we should have been safest, by the one person who should have valued us more highly
than anyone else.
We need to re-connect, talk and listen
I remember a male friend of mine who had a falling out with his brother. They went two years without
contacting each other. They met up at a party and stood nearby each other for a long period of time
without speaking. Finally, they did speak and by the end of the party it was obvious that everything had
been sorted out. I asked my friend what had been said to bring them back together. He said, “Nothing,
we were just talking.” I asked what they had talked about and he said, “Football”.
(Women find this a strange phenomenon.)
I often refer to this story as ‘two dogs peeing on a tree’. Men often seem to speak without talking about
‘the issues’ and think they have sorted everything out. It is rarely good enough, especially when you are
communicating with females or children.
Men often spend money on or joke with their children and consider this to be communication. Children
will certainly take advantage of the money, but don’t kid yourself, it is not a connection.
Children rarely find their father’s jokes funny. Lectures are rarely considered to be good advice and
fathers are hardly ever thought of as being cool. Have you ever noticed that when you think you are being
cool, your daughter’s lip curls up and she rolls her eyes upward. This is child speak for, “You’re such a
dag”.
When my niece first contacted me she started the letter with:
“I have wanted to write to you for most of my life, but I did not know what to say.”
Earlier, I mentioned that three men whom I knew had recently begun making attempts to reconnect with
their grown-up daughters. Each of them had said, “I want to get to know my child, but I don’t know what
to say.” These men had effectively put their child on hold for 20 some years.
Don’t let this happen to you. Put simply: cut the crap. Speak with open, honest words from an open,
honest heart and do it now. Simple statements like, I am sorry, and I love you and you matter to me,
speak volumes. Maybe you will stumble and maybe you will fumble, but even the smallest effort will reap
enormous rewards.
Please don’t become overwhelmed with trying to explain yourself. If you can find the words to make
sense of everything that happened or everything you felt, then that’s great and will be really helpful, but, it’
s not the important part of the message. If you really cannot find your voice then simply write this and send
it:
I am sorry, I love you, you have always mattered to me.
Copyright Sonya Green 2005 Click the Next Button for readers replies
parents are absent. There are unique issues with adopted children and, more recently, with sperm bank
children, which makes it difficult to identify or trace the parent.
The absence of a connection with a parent during a child’s formative years can be extremely detrimental to
that child, it can result in feelings of abandonment that cause emotional instability in later years. Grown-ups
are kids, too, and can suffer a similar sense of abandonment when their child becomes estranged from the
family. We tend to overlook the immense pain and loss a parent feels when they become separated from
their child. Of course there are many households in which all family members are physically present but
abandoned none the less.
Fear of abandonment is at the root of many psychological hang-ups. Any therapist will tell you that
jealousy, insecurity, aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, low self-esteem or other emotional imbalances will
commonly have a basis in abandonment issues. How can we not hold deep fears if we were abandoned in
the one place that we should have been safest, by the one person who should have valued us more highly
than anyone else.
We need to re-connect, talk and listen
I remember a male friend of mine who had a falling out with his brother. They went two years without
contacting each other. They met up at a party and stood nearby each other for a long period of time
without speaking. Finally, they did speak and by the end of the party it was obvious that everything had
been sorted out. I asked my friend what had been said to bring them back together. He said, “Nothing,
we were just talking.” I asked what they had talked about and he said, “Football”.
(Women find this a strange phenomenon.)
I often refer to this story as ‘two dogs peeing on a tree’. Men often seem to speak without talking about
‘the issues’ and think they have sorted everything out. It is rarely good enough, especially when you are
communicating with females or children.
Men often spend money on or joke with their children and consider this to be communication. Children
will certainly take advantage of the money, but don’t kid yourself, it is not a connection.
Children rarely find their father’s jokes funny. Lectures are rarely considered to be good advice and
fathers are hardly ever thought of as being cool. Have you ever noticed that when you think you are being
cool, your daughter’s lip curls up and she rolls her eyes upward. This is child speak for, “You’re such a
dag”.
When my niece first contacted me she started the letter with:
“I have wanted to write to you for most of my life, but I did not know what to say.”
Earlier, I mentioned that three men whom I knew had recently begun making attempts to reconnect with
their grown-up daughters. Each of them had said, “I want to get to know my child, but I don’t know what
to say.” These men had effectively put their child on hold for 20 some years.
Don’t let this happen to you. Put simply: cut the crap. Speak with open, honest words from an open,
honest heart and do it now. Simple statements like, I am sorry, and I love you and you matter to me,
speak volumes. Maybe you will stumble and maybe you will fumble, but even the smallest effort will reap
enormous rewards.
Please don’t become overwhelmed with trying to explain yourself. If you can find the words to make
sense of everything that happened or everything you felt, then that’s great and will be really helpful, but, it’
s not the important part of the message. If you really cannot find your voice then simply write this and send
it:
I am sorry, I love you, you have always mattered to me.
Copyright Sonya Green 2005 Click the Next Button for readers replies
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someone who would benefit from visiting these pages - Trust Your Intuition and send them the link.
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If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions, a small donation, purchasing a
product or visiting the links to our sponsors.
someone who would benefit from visiting these pages - Trust Your Intuition and send them the link.
If you would like to copy an article to your site or blog, you are welcome to do so, but must note copyright
Sonya Green and refer to www.reinventingmyself.com
If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions, a small donation, purchasing a
product or visiting the links to our sponsors.