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| Bipolar and Addiction Treatment and Recovery An interview with someone who has been there Rehabilitation and starting over (Part 3) |
| Heal your Heart - Love your Body - Live your Joy! Simply Stunning! A beautiful and profound healing experience 3 guided meditations on one CD. Access higher wisdom, intuition and insights. Change habits, release fears and activate healing energies. Buy Now Full description. *Track 3 is a powerful and easy way to bring healing on a subconscious level |
What is the relationship between Bipolar and drug addiction?
“Well, I, like most others, did not know that I had bipolar. Although I was
desperately unhappy and isolated as a child I, just accepted that the
despair I often felt was normal. The connection between the two is self-
medication. I guess my first addiction was with food, as I was quite
chubby as a child. In my early teens I discovered alcohol. For many years
I drank in binges until I passed out, but again I did not recognize this as
self medication. I suppose drugs were just a natural progression. Food
gave comfort, alcohol deadened or disguised the pain and drugs gave
more of an instant lift with the added benefit of feeling a sense of
happiness and vitality. Unfortunately all three have a reverse side and
therein lies a most destructive cycle. All three can become addictive and
as Dr Beck pointed out, “People with bipolar (or similar conditions) resort
to self-medication which can become highly addictive. If bipolar could be
diagnosed much sooner and people were given proper treatment, we
would not have to wait for a drug or alcohol crisis before they sought
help.”
Were you aware that you were using drugs to self-medicate?
“No, well at least not consciously. In the beginning it was more about peer
pressure, a need to fit in, but mostly it was just about partying. I don’t
think anyone ever takes drugs believing that they are using them for
some sad, pathetic, psychological reasons, nor does anyone really
believe they will get hooked. It’s just about being young, being cool or
having fun and being accepted.”
What was your reaction when you found out about Bipolar?
“Anger and embarrassment. I had enough shame and self-loathing going
on at the time with the overdose saga. I was very, very sick and
overwhelmed by the task of getting straight. The last thing I needed to
hear was that I had a brain disorder, that I was mental, a retard or psycho
nut case.”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Over a short period of time I found myself reflecting
on my life. Although I would never go to one of those group therapy
sessions or see a shrink, I did start to acknowledge patterns of erratic
behaviour and spent a great deal of effort trying to analyse myself.”
“Men don’t do all that emotional shit and all that talking about feelings.
My initial take on it all, was that the brain is just another body organ and
mine was deficient in some chemical. On a practical level, I saw the sense
in replacing those chemicals the way one would do if they had a vitamin
deficiency.”
“A few weeks into treatment had me feeling more balanced and in control
than I could remember. I had been doing a lot of thinking, I had started to
talk to people, not openly, but more like putting out feelers and sensing
responses. I began to realize that I needed to talk, that I wanted to
understand things. I wanted to be honest and real with myself and I
needed to have people be honest with me.”
“I didn’t want to expose my vulnerabilities. I had always felt shunned and
judged by people and I couldn’t bear it if people knew that there was
something mentally wrong with me. Was there something wrong with me?
I hung on to the chemical imbalance idea as it was so matter of fact and
practical and treatable, but the psychology of it all was demanding
attention. I needed to know who I really was, who I was supposed to be,
how or if I belonged, why was I so desperately lonely or unlovable, who or
what was ruling my life and the answerless questions just kept on coming.
I needed to talk, I was now desperate to talk – I needed to talk to myself, I
needed to know myself, I needed to decide who I wanted to be and how
to be it”“The treatment, medication and support from the clinic gave me
the balance and calmness that I needed to be able to get a better grasp
on reality. No more soaring high and crashing low, in fact I was actually
quite happy and content most of the time. I had spent many months
focusing only on getting well. I was eating for health, rather than comfort
and treating myself gently and respectfully. I discovered a huge range of
emotions, beliefs and conditions which made up the sum total of who and
how I was, and why I felt the way I did. I could see how destructive and
distorted the drug influence was and I could also see the extremes of the
bipolar influence so well that I needed to separate those from the real
emotions.”
“Every insight seemed to throw me back to some childhood experience
which annoyed me greatly. I had always thought people were really self
indulgent and used childhood dramas as an excuse for continuing
childish behaviour. Even when dealing with myself, I found myself
chastising myself and making statements like ‘get over it, grow up, be a
man or let it go’ but it all just kept gnawing away at me.”
Did you ever or do you think you will ever get to the root of it all?
“I’m changing and growing everyday, I am more aware and more definite
and committed to where I want to go, but it is an ongoing work and I don’t
think anyone ever has all the answers. I do see that where I am now is
the result of where I have been, I now have a greater understanding of
where that was.”
“From this point, I can make changes because I have a greater
understanding of what created what and what was real. In a way, I feel
like I have met with the child that I was and we have spoken honestly and
lovingly to each other. This may sound corny, but I will say it because it is
true, “I told the boy I loved him and I was so proud of him and so sorry
that I allowed him to be hurt. The child wants me to be happy and asks
that I find love and allow myself to love”. I made that a promise and the
way I see it is that the child that I was, the man that I am and the human
being that I will become, are all working together to find a real purpose in
life and experience the best that life offers.”
“There were two words that just kept coming at me, no matter what the
event or issue or emotional response was, it was always about
abandonment or isolation. Abandonment and isolation have ruled and
ruined my life and permeate every aspect of my awareness of myself and
my reality. I could sit and talk to you for days on end and recount over
and over the things that have happened which reinforced my feelings
that I was alone. At the core of this aloneness, is the deep belief that I am
unloved and unlovable. To be unloved and unlovable breaks down to, I
am nothing in the eyes of God – whatever and whoever God may be. As
a concept of the creator and ruler of the Universe that interprets to ‘I am
nothing’.”
What you just said is huge and I’m sure it will take me some time
to digest exactly what you mean – if I can. Where does this leave
you now?
“To believe that you are nothing, is to believe that you have no value at
all, no right to be here. Everything that you do is motivated by an
unconscious need to self destruct. Being a dead Something has to be
better than being an alive Nothing, don’t you think?”
“Initially, things must have happened to create that belief system, right or
wrong, I was a child and it may have been true or it might have just been
a child’s interpretation of something quite different. None the less, it was
self-perpetuating, a vicious cycle reinforcing itself. In a way my whole life
has been a lie. With the added confusion of bipolar, drugs and alcohol
influences, it’s pretty clear to me that I didn’t have a clue about what was
real.”
“What I do know for sure now, is that from here. I take the reins and get
control. I don’t know who has been selling me what and I don’t know who
is authentic or what is true for everyone else. My suspicion is that we
have all been sold some faulty goods and if people could be more honest
and open we might find that I am not alone. How secure is everyone?
Who really feels supported by life? Can we even define love? Oh, we
ache for love alright, we know it’s essential and it probably motivates
everything we do, think, want or need. We all know it’s within us to love
and be loved, and I think we all sense that our existence depends on
love. But what is its true definition?”
“The abandonment and isolation or loneliness that I mentioned is about
disconnection. All my life I have ached for someone, anyone, to love me
or even just allow me to love them. I have always thought that a person
was the source of love. What I do know now, is that love is not reliant on
another person at all, and with this understanding I am left with the
question of what is the definition of love. What indeed is the Creator’s
definition of love?”
You spoke earlier about suicide and the difficulty for men to talk
about personal issues. Recently we have noticed an alarming rise
in male suicides and I wonder what your view is on this?
“There are lots of questions within these questions and my first thoughts
are how many suicides have resulted from undiagnosed depression,
bipolar, post traumatic stress disorders or other mental health issues.
Why are these things still taboo and why do they still go undiagnosed or
misdiagnosed? How many suicides are drug and alcohol related and how
preventable could these have been? Why do men continue to play ‘the
macho man’ roles when they are so destructive? Why do we still treat
boys so differently and continue to insist that boys don’t cry. Why won’t
men discuss anything other than work, money, cars, sports, food and sex
when they are with other men? Do drugs cause suicide or does despair
cause drug problems which lead to suicide? Why are men still so violent?
Why can’t men accept that they are human and that that is a good thing?”
“When I really wanted to talk, I really wanted to talk with other men. I
wanted to compare what I felt with their feelings. I guess I wanted a role
model or a sense of w normality. Women are great to talk with, but I didn’t
want to become one, I wasn’t thinking about being human or that men
and women were the same. I defined myself as a man and wanted to
know what a normal man felt. Women seem to read behind the lines, they
empathise and listen in a way that men just can’t seem to do. Women ask
more questions, or better questions, and encourage you to go on.
Women put themselves in your position and come up with all kinds of
reactions and possibilities. When I initiated conversations with men they
usually made a joke of what I said, or they would say, “Don’t worry about
it mate, have a couple of beers and forget it.”
“Sure, I was wanting ‘a deep and meaningful’, but I just couldn’t get men
to show any depth. Recently, I have been thinking about the bipolar from
the manic side rather than the depression side. I understand that when I
used to swing high I would go into areas of delusion of grandeur. I am
also aware that many people who experience this state can also tap into
great genius. Many sufferers of bipolar are artists, musicians, writers and
exceptional thinkers. Now that the bipolar has been stabilized I would love
to speak with others and explore great ideas, try new things and really
take advantage of this potential, but without the unreal or delusional
aspects. I would really just like to talk with men who have ideas or goals
or talents. I want to strive to be exceptional and experience the richness
and diversity of life. It’s just so bloody hard to get men to talk, express
themselves or to wander outside of the box!”
“Having said all of that, I will also add that I am generalising. Maybe my
approach was a little confrontational at first. I have recognized that quite
often men will open up after they have had time to think about it. Often I
have found men will come back to me days or weeks later and answer
questions that they originally pulled away from. Sometimes I get the best
response when I keep things simple or speak hypothetically rather than
personally. Recently I have made some great friendships. We talk long,
deep and openly, but it took time and I believe it required trust and
honesty.”
You’re clean now, balanced and healthy; how certain are you that
it will last?
“I’m absolutely certain. I am also aware that I can afford to be certain right
now because life is good right now. I’m excited, healthy and happy, so it’s
easy to be certain. I’m no fool though, and I am very aware that a lifetime
habit of reaching for a quick fix will be a big problem if and when things
get crazy again. I understand that things will hurt me and life will of
course deal out some hard hits along the way. The main difference is
that, drugs, alcohol and my bipolar all exaggerated and distorted things
before - that’s under control now. I’m better equipped now, I do not have
to fight against myself, understanding and caring about myself makes all
the difference.”
“I’m not so self-absorbed anymore. I am very interested in giving, rather
than desperately trying to sustain or protect myself. I want to help others
and I am happy and willing to tell my story or use my experiences to do
that. And this may sound a bit contradictory, but I don’t want to be known
as the guy with bipolar, nor do I want to be known as an ex-junkie. Too
often, I see people with a tragic past who are defined by that. This is
only a fragment of my life - it is not all that I am. We all have our
stuff and unfortunately my stuff was this, but it’s not tattooed on my
forehead. My future doesn’t need to relate back to this forever.”
Copyright Sonya Green
“Well, I, like most others, did not know that I had bipolar. Although I was
desperately unhappy and isolated as a child I, just accepted that the
despair I often felt was normal. The connection between the two is self-
medication. I guess my first addiction was with food, as I was quite
chubby as a child. In my early teens I discovered alcohol. For many years
I drank in binges until I passed out, but again I did not recognize this as
self medication. I suppose drugs were just a natural progression. Food
gave comfort, alcohol deadened or disguised the pain and drugs gave
more of an instant lift with the added benefit of feeling a sense of
happiness and vitality. Unfortunately all three have a reverse side and
therein lies a most destructive cycle. All three can become addictive and
as Dr Beck pointed out, “People with bipolar (or similar conditions) resort
to self-medication which can become highly addictive. If bipolar could be
diagnosed much sooner and people were given proper treatment, we
would not have to wait for a drug or alcohol crisis before they sought
help.”
Were you aware that you were using drugs to self-medicate?
“No, well at least not consciously. In the beginning it was more about peer
pressure, a need to fit in, but mostly it was just about partying. I don’t
think anyone ever takes drugs believing that they are using them for
some sad, pathetic, psychological reasons, nor does anyone really
believe they will get hooked. It’s just about being young, being cool or
having fun and being accepted.”
What was your reaction when you found out about Bipolar?
“Anger and embarrassment. I had enough shame and self-loathing going
on at the time with the overdose saga. I was very, very sick and
overwhelmed by the task of getting straight. The last thing I needed to
hear was that I had a brain disorder, that I was mental, a retard or psycho
nut case.”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Over a short period of time I found myself reflecting
on my life. Although I would never go to one of those group therapy
sessions or see a shrink, I did start to acknowledge patterns of erratic
behaviour and spent a great deal of effort trying to analyse myself.”
“Men don’t do all that emotional shit and all that talking about feelings.
My initial take on it all, was that the brain is just another body organ and
mine was deficient in some chemical. On a practical level, I saw the sense
in replacing those chemicals the way one would do if they had a vitamin
deficiency.”
“A few weeks into treatment had me feeling more balanced and in control
than I could remember. I had been doing a lot of thinking, I had started to
talk to people, not openly, but more like putting out feelers and sensing
responses. I began to realize that I needed to talk, that I wanted to
understand things. I wanted to be honest and real with myself and I
needed to have people be honest with me.”
“I didn’t want to expose my vulnerabilities. I had always felt shunned and
judged by people and I couldn’t bear it if people knew that there was
something mentally wrong with me. Was there something wrong with me?
I hung on to the chemical imbalance idea as it was so matter of fact and
practical and treatable, but the psychology of it all was demanding
attention. I needed to know who I really was, who I was supposed to be,
how or if I belonged, why was I so desperately lonely or unlovable, who or
what was ruling my life and the answerless questions just kept on coming.
I needed to talk, I was now desperate to talk – I needed to talk to myself, I
needed to know myself, I needed to decide who I wanted to be and how
to be it”“The treatment, medication and support from the clinic gave me
the balance and calmness that I needed to be able to get a better grasp
on reality. No more soaring high and crashing low, in fact I was actually
quite happy and content most of the time. I had spent many months
focusing only on getting well. I was eating for health, rather than comfort
and treating myself gently and respectfully. I discovered a huge range of
emotions, beliefs and conditions which made up the sum total of who and
how I was, and why I felt the way I did. I could see how destructive and
distorted the drug influence was and I could also see the extremes of the
bipolar influence so well that I needed to separate those from the real
emotions.”
“Every insight seemed to throw me back to some childhood experience
which annoyed me greatly. I had always thought people were really self
indulgent and used childhood dramas as an excuse for continuing
childish behaviour. Even when dealing with myself, I found myself
chastising myself and making statements like ‘get over it, grow up, be a
man or let it go’ but it all just kept gnawing away at me.”
Did you ever or do you think you will ever get to the root of it all?
“I’m changing and growing everyday, I am more aware and more definite
and committed to where I want to go, but it is an ongoing work and I don’t
think anyone ever has all the answers. I do see that where I am now is
the result of where I have been, I now have a greater understanding of
where that was.”
“From this point, I can make changes because I have a greater
understanding of what created what and what was real. In a way, I feel
like I have met with the child that I was and we have spoken honestly and
lovingly to each other. This may sound corny, but I will say it because it is
true, “I told the boy I loved him and I was so proud of him and so sorry
that I allowed him to be hurt. The child wants me to be happy and asks
that I find love and allow myself to love”. I made that a promise and the
way I see it is that the child that I was, the man that I am and the human
being that I will become, are all working together to find a real purpose in
life and experience the best that life offers.”
“There were two words that just kept coming at me, no matter what the
event or issue or emotional response was, it was always about
abandonment or isolation. Abandonment and isolation have ruled and
ruined my life and permeate every aspect of my awareness of myself and
my reality. I could sit and talk to you for days on end and recount over
and over the things that have happened which reinforced my feelings
that I was alone. At the core of this aloneness, is the deep belief that I am
unloved and unlovable. To be unloved and unlovable breaks down to, I
am nothing in the eyes of God – whatever and whoever God may be. As
a concept of the creator and ruler of the Universe that interprets to ‘I am
nothing’.”
What you just said is huge and I’m sure it will take me some time
to digest exactly what you mean – if I can. Where does this leave
you now?
“To believe that you are nothing, is to believe that you have no value at
all, no right to be here. Everything that you do is motivated by an
unconscious need to self destruct. Being a dead Something has to be
better than being an alive Nothing, don’t you think?”
“Initially, things must have happened to create that belief system, right or
wrong, I was a child and it may have been true or it might have just been
a child’s interpretation of something quite different. None the less, it was
self-perpetuating, a vicious cycle reinforcing itself. In a way my whole life
has been a lie. With the added confusion of bipolar, drugs and alcohol
influences, it’s pretty clear to me that I didn’t have a clue about what was
real.”
“What I do know for sure now, is that from here. I take the reins and get
control. I don’t know who has been selling me what and I don’t know who
is authentic or what is true for everyone else. My suspicion is that we
have all been sold some faulty goods and if people could be more honest
and open we might find that I am not alone. How secure is everyone?
Who really feels supported by life? Can we even define love? Oh, we
ache for love alright, we know it’s essential and it probably motivates
everything we do, think, want or need. We all know it’s within us to love
and be loved, and I think we all sense that our existence depends on
love. But what is its true definition?”
“The abandonment and isolation or loneliness that I mentioned is about
disconnection. All my life I have ached for someone, anyone, to love me
or even just allow me to love them. I have always thought that a person
was the source of love. What I do know now, is that love is not reliant on
another person at all, and with this understanding I am left with the
question of what is the definition of love. What indeed is the Creator’s
definition of love?”
You spoke earlier about suicide and the difficulty for men to talk
about personal issues. Recently we have noticed an alarming rise
in male suicides and I wonder what your view is on this?
“There are lots of questions within these questions and my first thoughts
are how many suicides have resulted from undiagnosed depression,
bipolar, post traumatic stress disorders or other mental health issues.
Why are these things still taboo and why do they still go undiagnosed or
misdiagnosed? How many suicides are drug and alcohol related and how
preventable could these have been? Why do men continue to play ‘the
macho man’ roles when they are so destructive? Why do we still treat
boys so differently and continue to insist that boys don’t cry. Why won’t
men discuss anything other than work, money, cars, sports, food and sex
when they are with other men? Do drugs cause suicide or does despair
cause drug problems which lead to suicide? Why are men still so violent?
Why can’t men accept that they are human and that that is a good thing?”
“When I really wanted to talk, I really wanted to talk with other men. I
wanted to compare what I felt with their feelings. I guess I wanted a role
model or a sense of w normality. Women are great to talk with, but I didn’t
want to become one, I wasn’t thinking about being human or that men
and women were the same. I defined myself as a man and wanted to
know what a normal man felt. Women seem to read behind the lines, they
empathise and listen in a way that men just can’t seem to do. Women ask
more questions, or better questions, and encourage you to go on.
Women put themselves in your position and come up with all kinds of
reactions and possibilities. When I initiated conversations with men they
usually made a joke of what I said, or they would say, “Don’t worry about
it mate, have a couple of beers and forget it.”
“Sure, I was wanting ‘a deep and meaningful’, but I just couldn’t get men
to show any depth. Recently, I have been thinking about the bipolar from
the manic side rather than the depression side. I understand that when I
used to swing high I would go into areas of delusion of grandeur. I am
also aware that many people who experience this state can also tap into
great genius. Many sufferers of bipolar are artists, musicians, writers and
exceptional thinkers. Now that the bipolar has been stabilized I would love
to speak with others and explore great ideas, try new things and really
take advantage of this potential, but without the unreal or delusional
aspects. I would really just like to talk with men who have ideas or goals
or talents. I want to strive to be exceptional and experience the richness
and diversity of life. It’s just so bloody hard to get men to talk, express
themselves or to wander outside of the box!”
“Having said all of that, I will also add that I am generalising. Maybe my
approach was a little confrontational at first. I have recognized that quite
often men will open up after they have had time to think about it. Often I
have found men will come back to me days or weeks later and answer
questions that they originally pulled away from. Sometimes I get the best
response when I keep things simple or speak hypothetically rather than
personally. Recently I have made some great friendships. We talk long,
deep and openly, but it took time and I believe it required trust and
honesty.”
You’re clean now, balanced and healthy; how certain are you that
it will last?
“I’m absolutely certain. I am also aware that I can afford to be certain right
now because life is good right now. I’m excited, healthy and happy, so it’s
easy to be certain. I’m no fool though, and I am very aware that a lifetime
habit of reaching for a quick fix will be a big problem if and when things
get crazy again. I understand that things will hurt me and life will of
course deal out some hard hits along the way. The main difference is
that, drugs, alcohol and my bipolar all exaggerated and distorted things
before - that’s under control now. I’m better equipped now, I do not have
to fight against myself, understanding and caring about myself makes all
the difference.”
“I’m not so self-absorbed anymore. I am very interested in giving, rather
than desperately trying to sustain or protect myself. I want to help others
and I am happy and willing to tell my story or use my experiences to do
that. And this may sound a bit contradictory, but I don’t want to be known
as the guy with bipolar, nor do I want to be known as an ex-junkie. Too
often, I see people with a tragic past who are defined by that. This is
only a fragment of my life - it is not all that I am. We all have our
stuff and unfortunately my stuff was this, but it’s not tattooed on my
forehead. My future doesn’t need to relate back to this forever.”
Copyright Sonya Green
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If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions, a
small donation, purchasing a product or visiting the links to our sponsors.
thinking about someone who would benefit from visiting these pages - Trust Your
Intuition and send them the link.
If you would like to copy an article to your site or blog, you are welcome to do so, but
must note copyright Sonya Green and refer to www.reinventingmyself.com
If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions, a
small donation, purchasing a product or visiting the links to our sponsors.