| Bipolar and Addiction Treatment and Recovery An interview with someone who has been there Rehabilitation and starting over (Part 3) |
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“The treatment, medication and support from the clinic gave me the balance and calmness that I needed to
be able to get a better grasp on reality. No more soaring high and crashing low, in fact I was actually quite
happy and content most of the time. I had spent many months focusing only on getting well. I was eating
for health, rather than comfort and treating myself gently and respectfully. I discovered a huge range of
emotions, beliefs and conditions which made up the sum total of who and how I was, and why I felt the
way I did. I could see how destructive and distorted the drug influence was and I could also see the
extremes of the bipolar influence so well that I needed to separate those from the real emotions.”
“Every insight seemed to throw me back to some childhood experience which annoyed me greatly. I had
always thought people were really self indulgent and used childhood dramas as an excuse for continuing
childish behaviour. Even when dealing with myself, I found myself chastising myself and making statements
like ‘get over it, grow up, be a man or let it go’ but it all just kept gnawing away at me.”
Did you ever or do you think you will ever get to the root of it all?
“I’m changing and growing everyday, I am more aware and more definite and committed to where I want
to go, but it is an ongoing work and I don’t think anyone ever has all the answers. I do see that where I
am now is the result of where I have been, I now have a greater understanding of where that was.”
“From this point, I can make changes because I have a greater understanding of what created what and
what was real. In a way, I feel like I have met with the child that I was and we have spoken honestly and
lovingly to each other. This may sound corny, but I will say it because it is true, “I told the boy I loved him
and I was so proud of him and so sorry that I allowed him to be hurt. The child wants me to be happy and
asks that I find love and allow myself to love”. I made that a promise and the way I see it is that the child
that I was, the man that I am and the human being that I will become, are all working together to find a
real purpose in life and experience the best that life offers.”
“There were two words that just kept coming at me, no matter what the event or issue or emotional
response was, it was always about abandonment or isolation. Abandonment and isolation have ruled and
ruined my life and permeate every aspect of my awareness of myself and my reality. I could sit and talk to
you for days on end and recount over and over the things that have happened which reinforced my
feelings that I was alone. At the core of this aloneness, is the deep belief that I am unloved and unlovable.
To be unloved and unlovable breaks down to, I am nothing in the eyes of God – whatever and whoever
God may be. As a concept of the creator and ruler of the Universe that interprets to ‘I am nothing’.”
What you just said is huge and I’m sure it will take me some time to digest exactly what you
mean – if I can. Where does this leave you now?
“To believe that you are nothing, is to believe that you have no value at all, no right to be here. Everything
that you do is motivated by an unconscious need to self destruct. Being a dead Something has to be better
than being an alive Nothing, don’t you think?”
“Initially, things must have happened to create that belief system, right or wrong, I was a child and it may
have been true or it might have just been a child’s interpretation of something quite different. None the
less, it was self-perpetuating, a vicious cycle reinforcing itself. In a way my whole life has been a lie. With
the added confusion of bipolar, drugs and alcohol influences, it’s pretty clear to me that I didn’t have a
clue about what was real.”
“What I do know for sure now, is that from here. I take the reins and get control. I don’t know who has
been selling me what and I don’t know who is authentic or what is true for everyone else. My suspicion is
that we have all been sold some faulty goods and if people could be more honest and open we might find
that I am not alone. How secure is everyone? Who really feels supported by life? Can we even define
love? Oh, we ache for love alright, we know it’s essential and it probably motivates everything we do,
think, want or need. We all know it’s within us to love and be loved, and I think we all sense that our
existence depends on love. But what is its true definition?”
“The abandonment and isolation or loneliness that I mentioned is about disconnection. All my life I have
ached for someone, anyone, to love me or even just allow me to love them. I have always thought that a
person was the source of love. What I do know now, is that love is not reliant on another person at all,
and with this understanding I am left with the question of what is the definition of love. What indeed is the
Creator’s definition of love?”
You spoke earlier about suicide and the difficulty for men to talk about personal issues.
Recently we have noticed an alarming rise in male suicides and I wonder what your view is on
this?
“There are lots of questions within these questions and my first thoughts are how many suicides have
resulted from undiagnosed depression, bipolar, post traumatic stress disorders or other mental health
issues. Why are these things still taboo and why do they still go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed? How many
suicides are drug and alcohol related and how preventable could these have been? Why do men continue
to play ‘the macho man’ roles when they are so destructive? Why do we still treat boys so differently and
continue to insist that boys don’t cry. Why won’t men discuss anything other than work, money, cars,
sports, food and sex when they are with other men? Do drugs cause suicide or does despair cause drug
problems which lead to suicide? Why are men still so violent? Why can’t men accept that they are human
and that that is a good thing?”
“When I really wanted to talk, I really wanted to talk with other men. I wanted to compare what I felt with
their feelings. I guess I wanted a role model or a sense of w normality. Women are great to talk with, but I
didn’t want to become one, I wasn’t thinking about being human or that men and women were the same. I
defined myself as a man and wanted to know what a normal man felt. Women seem to read behind the
lines, they empathise and listen in a way that men just can’t seem to do. Women ask more questions, or
better questions, and encourage you to go on. Women put themselves in your position and come up with
all kinds of reactions and possibilities. When I initiated conversations with men they usually made a joke of
what I said, or they would say, “Don’t worry about it mate, have a couple of beers and forget it.”
“Sure, I was wanting ‘a deep and meaningful’, but I just couldn’t get men to show any depth. Recently, I
have been thinking about the bipolar from the manic side rather than the depression side. I understand that
when I used to swing high I would go into areas of delusion of grandeur. I am also aware that many
people who experience this state can also tap into great genius. Many sufferers of bipolar are artists,
musicians, writers and exceptional thinkers. Now that the bipolar has been stabilized I would love to
speak with others and explore great ideas, try new things and really take advantage of this potential, but
without the unreal or delusional aspects. I would really just like to talk with men who have ideas or goals
or talents. I want to strive to be exceptional and experience the richness and diversity of life. It’s just so
bloody hard to get men to talk, express themselves or to wander outside of the box!”
“Having said all of that, I will also add that I am generalising. Maybe my approach was a little
confrontational at first. I have recognized that quite often men will open up after they have had time to
think about it. Often I have found men will come back to me days or weeks later and answer questions
that they originally pulled away from. Sometimes I get the best response when I keep things simple or
speak hypothetically rather than personally. Recently I have made some great friendships. We talk long,
deep and openly, but it took time and I believe it required trust and honesty.”
You’re clean now, balanced and healthy; how certain are you that it will last?
“I’m absolutely certain. I am also aware that I can afford to be certain right now because life is good right
now. I’m excited, healthy and happy, so it’s easy to be certain. I’m no fool though, and I am very aware
that a lifetime habit of reaching for a quick fix will be a big problem if and when things get crazy again. I
understand that things will hurt me and life will of course deal out some hard hits along the way. The main
difference is that, drugs, alcohol and my bipolar all exaggerated and distorted things before - that’s under
control now. I’m better equipped now, I do not have to fight against myself, understanding and caring
about myself makes all the difference.”
“I’m not so self-absorbed anymore. I am very interested in giving, rather than desperately trying to sustain
or protect myself. I want to help others and I am happy and willing to tell my story or use my experiences
to do that. And this may sound a bit contradictory, but I don’t want to be known as the guy with bipolar,
nor do I want to be known as an ex-junkie. Too often, I see people with a tragic past who are defined by
that. This is only a fragment of my life - it is not all that I am. We all have our stuff and
unfortunately my stuff was this, but it’s not tattooed on my forehead. My future doesn’t need to relate
back to this forever.”
Copyright Sonya Green
be able to get a better grasp on reality. No more soaring high and crashing low, in fact I was actually quite
happy and content most of the time. I had spent many months focusing only on getting well. I was eating
for health, rather than comfort and treating myself gently and respectfully. I discovered a huge range of
emotions, beliefs and conditions which made up the sum total of who and how I was, and why I felt the
way I did. I could see how destructive and distorted the drug influence was and I could also see the
extremes of the bipolar influence so well that I needed to separate those from the real emotions.”
“Every insight seemed to throw me back to some childhood experience which annoyed me greatly. I had
always thought people were really self indulgent and used childhood dramas as an excuse for continuing
childish behaviour. Even when dealing with myself, I found myself chastising myself and making statements
like ‘get over it, grow up, be a man or let it go’ but it all just kept gnawing away at me.”
Did you ever or do you think you will ever get to the root of it all?
“I’m changing and growing everyday, I am more aware and more definite and committed to where I want
to go, but it is an ongoing work and I don’t think anyone ever has all the answers. I do see that where I
am now is the result of where I have been, I now have a greater understanding of where that was.”
“From this point, I can make changes because I have a greater understanding of what created what and
what was real. In a way, I feel like I have met with the child that I was and we have spoken honestly and
lovingly to each other. This may sound corny, but I will say it because it is true, “I told the boy I loved him
and I was so proud of him and so sorry that I allowed him to be hurt. The child wants me to be happy and
asks that I find love and allow myself to love”. I made that a promise and the way I see it is that the child
that I was, the man that I am and the human being that I will become, are all working together to find a
real purpose in life and experience the best that life offers.”
“There were two words that just kept coming at me, no matter what the event or issue or emotional
response was, it was always about abandonment or isolation. Abandonment and isolation have ruled and
ruined my life and permeate every aspect of my awareness of myself and my reality. I could sit and talk to
you for days on end and recount over and over the things that have happened which reinforced my
feelings that I was alone. At the core of this aloneness, is the deep belief that I am unloved and unlovable.
To be unloved and unlovable breaks down to, I am nothing in the eyes of God – whatever and whoever
God may be. As a concept of the creator and ruler of the Universe that interprets to ‘I am nothing’.”
What you just said is huge and I’m sure it will take me some time to digest exactly what you
mean – if I can. Where does this leave you now?
“To believe that you are nothing, is to believe that you have no value at all, no right to be here. Everything
that you do is motivated by an unconscious need to self destruct. Being a dead Something has to be better
than being an alive Nothing, don’t you think?”
“Initially, things must have happened to create that belief system, right or wrong, I was a child and it may
have been true or it might have just been a child’s interpretation of something quite different. None the
less, it was self-perpetuating, a vicious cycle reinforcing itself. In a way my whole life has been a lie. With
the added confusion of bipolar, drugs and alcohol influences, it’s pretty clear to me that I didn’t have a
clue about what was real.”
“What I do know for sure now, is that from here. I take the reins and get control. I don’t know who has
been selling me what and I don’t know who is authentic or what is true for everyone else. My suspicion is
that we have all been sold some faulty goods and if people could be more honest and open we might find
that I am not alone. How secure is everyone? Who really feels supported by life? Can we even define
love? Oh, we ache for love alright, we know it’s essential and it probably motivates everything we do,
think, want or need. We all know it’s within us to love and be loved, and I think we all sense that our
existence depends on love. But what is its true definition?”
“The abandonment and isolation or loneliness that I mentioned is about disconnection. All my life I have
ached for someone, anyone, to love me or even just allow me to love them. I have always thought that a
person was the source of love. What I do know now, is that love is not reliant on another person at all,
and with this understanding I am left with the question of what is the definition of love. What indeed is the
Creator’s definition of love?”
You spoke earlier about suicide and the difficulty for men to talk about personal issues.
Recently we have noticed an alarming rise in male suicides and I wonder what your view is on
this?
“There are lots of questions within these questions and my first thoughts are how many suicides have
resulted from undiagnosed depression, bipolar, post traumatic stress disorders or other mental health
issues. Why are these things still taboo and why do they still go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed? How many
suicides are drug and alcohol related and how preventable could these have been? Why do men continue
to play ‘the macho man’ roles when they are so destructive? Why do we still treat boys so differently and
continue to insist that boys don’t cry. Why won’t men discuss anything other than work, money, cars,
sports, food and sex when they are with other men? Do drugs cause suicide or does despair cause drug
problems which lead to suicide? Why are men still so violent? Why can’t men accept that they are human
and that that is a good thing?”
“When I really wanted to talk, I really wanted to talk with other men. I wanted to compare what I felt with
their feelings. I guess I wanted a role model or a sense of w normality. Women are great to talk with, but I
didn’t want to become one, I wasn’t thinking about being human or that men and women were the same. I
defined myself as a man and wanted to know what a normal man felt. Women seem to read behind the
lines, they empathise and listen in a way that men just can’t seem to do. Women ask more questions, or
better questions, and encourage you to go on. Women put themselves in your position and come up with
all kinds of reactions and possibilities. When I initiated conversations with men they usually made a joke of
what I said, or they would say, “Don’t worry about it mate, have a couple of beers and forget it.”
“Sure, I was wanting ‘a deep and meaningful’, but I just couldn’t get men to show any depth. Recently, I
have been thinking about the bipolar from the manic side rather than the depression side. I understand that
when I used to swing high I would go into areas of delusion of grandeur. I am also aware that many
people who experience this state can also tap into great genius. Many sufferers of bipolar are artists,
musicians, writers and exceptional thinkers. Now that the bipolar has been stabilized I would love to
speak with others and explore great ideas, try new things and really take advantage of this potential, but
without the unreal or delusional aspects. I would really just like to talk with men who have ideas or goals
or talents. I want to strive to be exceptional and experience the richness and diversity of life. It’s just so
bloody hard to get men to talk, express themselves or to wander outside of the box!”
“Having said all of that, I will also add that I am generalising. Maybe my approach was a little
confrontational at first. I have recognized that quite often men will open up after they have had time to
think about it. Often I have found men will come back to me days or weeks later and answer questions
that they originally pulled away from. Sometimes I get the best response when I keep things simple or
speak hypothetically rather than personally. Recently I have made some great friendships. We talk long,
deep and openly, but it took time and I believe it required trust and honesty.”
You’re clean now, balanced and healthy; how certain are you that it will last?
“I’m absolutely certain. I am also aware that I can afford to be certain right now because life is good right
now. I’m excited, healthy and happy, so it’s easy to be certain. I’m no fool though, and I am very aware
that a lifetime habit of reaching for a quick fix will be a big problem if and when things get crazy again. I
understand that things will hurt me and life will of course deal out some hard hits along the way. The main
difference is that, drugs, alcohol and my bipolar all exaggerated and distorted things before - that’s under
control now. I’m better equipped now, I do not have to fight against myself, understanding and caring
about myself makes all the difference.”
“I’m not so self-absorbed anymore. I am very interested in giving, rather than desperately trying to sustain
or protect myself. I want to help others and I am happy and willing to tell my story or use my experiences
to do that. And this may sound a bit contradictory, but I don’t want to be known as the guy with bipolar,
nor do I want to be known as an ex-junkie. Too often, I see people with a tragic past who are defined by
that. This is only a fragment of my life - it is not all that I am. We all have our stuff and
unfortunately my stuff was this, but it’s not tattooed on my forehead. My future doesn’t need to relate
back to this forever.”
Copyright Sonya Green
| Heal your Heart, Love your Body and Live your Joy! These articles are now available in paperback. Click the book cover to find out more. Paypal secure payment. |
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What is the relationship between Bipolar and drug addiction?
“Well, I, like most others, did not know that I had bipolar. Although I was
desperately unhappy and isolated as a child I, just accepted that the despair I
often felt was normal. The connection between the two is self-medication. I
guess my first addiction was with food, as I was quite chubby as a child. In my
early teens I discovered alcohol. For many years I drank in binges until I passed
out, but again I did not recognize this as self medication. I suppose drugs were
just a natural progression. Food gave comfort, alcohol deadened or disguised
the pain and drugs gave more of an instant lift with the added benefit of feeling a
sense of happiness and vitality. Unfortunately all three have a reverse side and
therein lies a most destructive cycle. All three can become addictive and as Dr
Beck pointed out, “People with bipolar (or similar conditions) resort to self-
medication which can become highly addictive. If bipolar could be diagnosed
much sooner and people were given proper treatment, we would not have to
wait for a drug or alcohol crisis before they sought help.”
Were you aware that you were using drugs to self-medicate?
“No, well at least not consciously. In the beginning it was more about peer
pressure, a need to fit in, but mostly it was just about partying. I don’t think
anyone ever takes drugs believing that they are using them for some sad,
pathetic, psychological reasons, nor does anyone really believe they will get
hooked. It’s just about being young, being cool or having fun and being
accepted.”
What was your reaction when you found out about Bipolar?
“Anger and embarrassment. I had enough shame and self-loathing going on at
the time with the overdose saga. I was very, very sick and overwhelmed by the
task of getting straight. The last thing I needed to hear was that I had a brain
disorder, that I was mental, a retard or psycho nut case.”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Over a short period of time I found myself reflecting on my
life. Although I would never go to one of those group therapy sessions or see a
shrink, I did start to acknowledge patterns of erratic behaviour and spent a great
deal of effort trying to analyse myself.”
“Men don’t do all that emotional shit and all that talking about feelings. My initial
take on it all, was that the brain is just another body organ and mine was
deficient in some chemical. On a practical level, I saw the sense in replacing
those chemicals the way one would do if they had a vitamin deficiency.”
“A few weeks into treatment had me feeling more balanced and in control than I
could remember. I had been doing a lot of thinking, I had started to talk to
people, not openly, but more like putting out feelers and sensing responses. I
began to realize that I needed to talk, that I wanted to understand things. I
wanted to be honest and real with myself and I needed to have people be honest
with me.”
“I didn’t want to expose my vulnerabilities. I had always felt shunned and judged
by people and I couldn’t bear it if people knew that there was something
mentally wrong with me. Was there something wrong with me? I hung on to the
chemical imbalance idea as it was so matter of fact and practical and treatable,
but the psychology of it all was demanding attention. I needed to know who I
really was, who I was supposed to be, how or if I belonged, why was I so
desperately lonely or unlovable, who or what was ruling my life and the
answerless questions just kept on coming. I needed to talk, I was now desperate
to talk – I needed to talk to myself, I needed to know myself, I needed to decide
who I wanted to be and how to be it”
“Well, I, like most others, did not know that I had bipolar. Although I was
desperately unhappy and isolated as a child I, just accepted that the despair I
often felt was normal. The connection between the two is self-medication. I
guess my first addiction was with food, as I was quite chubby as a child. In my
early teens I discovered alcohol. For many years I drank in binges until I passed
out, but again I did not recognize this as self medication. I suppose drugs were
just a natural progression. Food gave comfort, alcohol deadened or disguised
the pain and drugs gave more of an instant lift with the added benefit of feeling a
sense of happiness and vitality. Unfortunately all three have a reverse side and
therein lies a most destructive cycle. All three can become addictive and as Dr
Beck pointed out, “People with bipolar (or similar conditions) resort to self-
medication which can become highly addictive. If bipolar could be diagnosed
much sooner and people were given proper treatment, we would not have to
wait for a drug or alcohol crisis before they sought help.”
Were you aware that you were using drugs to self-medicate?
“No, well at least not consciously. In the beginning it was more about peer
pressure, a need to fit in, but mostly it was just about partying. I don’t think
anyone ever takes drugs believing that they are using them for some sad,
pathetic, psychological reasons, nor does anyone really believe they will get
hooked. It’s just about being young, being cool or having fun and being
accepted.”
What was your reaction when you found out about Bipolar?
“Anger and embarrassment. I had enough shame and self-loathing going on at
the time with the overdose saga. I was very, very sick and overwhelmed by the
task of getting straight. The last thing I needed to hear was that I had a brain
disorder, that I was mental, a retard or psycho nut case.”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Over a short period of time I found myself reflecting on my
life. Although I would never go to one of those group therapy sessions or see a
shrink, I did start to acknowledge patterns of erratic behaviour and spent a great
deal of effort trying to analyse myself.”
“Men don’t do all that emotional shit and all that talking about feelings. My initial
take on it all, was that the brain is just another body organ and mine was
deficient in some chemical. On a practical level, I saw the sense in replacing
those chemicals the way one would do if they had a vitamin deficiency.”
“A few weeks into treatment had me feeling more balanced and in control than I
could remember. I had been doing a lot of thinking, I had started to talk to
people, not openly, but more like putting out feelers and sensing responses. I
began to realize that I needed to talk, that I wanted to understand things. I
wanted to be honest and real with myself and I needed to have people be honest
with me.”
“I didn’t want to expose my vulnerabilities. I had always felt shunned and judged
by people and I couldn’t bear it if people knew that there was something
mentally wrong with me. Was there something wrong with me? I hung on to the
chemical imbalance idea as it was so matter of fact and practical and treatable,
but the psychology of it all was demanding attention. I needed to know who I
really was, who I was supposed to be, how or if I belonged, why was I so
desperately lonely or unlovable, who or what was ruling my life and the
answerless questions just kept on coming. I needed to talk, I was now desperate
to talk – I needed to talk to myself, I needed to know myself, I needed to decide
who I wanted to be and how to be it”
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someone who would benefit from visiting these pages - Trust Your Intuition and send them the link.
If you would like to copy an article to your site or blog, you are welcome to do so, but must note copyright
Sonya Green and refer to www.reinventingmyself.com
If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions, a small donation,
purchasing a product or visiting the links to our sponsors.