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| I see you. I hear You. I feel you. There is always a little truth behind the joke, fear or sadness behind the anger and another conversation between the words. Perhaps when we become supportive listeners instead of opinionated speakers we might hear what is really being said ~ Sonya Green |
| Heal your Heart - Love your Body - Live your Joy! Simply Stunning! A beautiful and profound experience 3 guided meditations on one CD. Access higher wisdom, intuition and insights. Change habits, release fears and activate healing energies. Buy Now Full description. Read what others say |
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| Heal your Heart, Love your Body and Claim your Joy! Reinventing Myself by Sonya Green is now available in paperback. Click the book cover to find out more. |
| EBook also available. Instant download for only $8 |
If you feel this website has inspired you or resonated with you or if you found
yourself thinking about someone who would benefit from visiting these pages -
Trust Your Intuition and send them the link.
If you would like to copy an article to your site or blog, you are welcome to do
so, but must note copyright Sonya Green and refer to
www.reinventingmyself.com
If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions
or comments, a small donation, purchasing a product or visiting the links to our
sponsors.
yourself thinking about someone who would benefit from visiting these pages -
Trust Your Intuition and send them the link.
If you would like to copy an article to your site or blog, you are welcome to do
so, but must note copyright Sonya Green and refer to
www.reinventingmyself.com
If you would like to support this site you might consider emailing in suggestions
or comments, a small donation, purchasing a product or visiting the links to our
sponsors.
There is always a little truth behind the joke, fear or sadness behind the anger and
another conversation between the words. Perhaps when we become supportive
listeners instead of opinionated speakers we might hear what is really being said.
Recently a friend was grieving the loss of her husband and as she was speaking
about all of the things she had to deal with and the heartache she was going
through. I noticed a sharp fast change in her voice. Suddenly and angrily she
said. “And if I have to sit through just one more person telling me about their
grief I will scream.”
The poor woman had spent the week answering phone calls and having scores
of people visiting, all with the intention of consoling her. I do understand that we
try to empathise and often feel awkward finding the right words to say to people,
so it is very easy to relate a similar story as a way of expressing compassion, but
looking at it from her experience I see how this could be offensive and
overwhelming.
Apart from the awkwardness of finding the right words to offer comfort I think
the problem is that we just don’t know how to listen. Talking makes us feel that
we are doing something; offering something.
My friend summed it up by saying “Right now this is about me, this is happening
to me, I need support and I can’t use my emotional or mental energy to give to
someone else. Talking about your grief while I am grieving is robbing me of my
time to heal and adding to my distress.”
This reminded me of a story I heard some years ago: A guy spends most Friday
nights having a few drinks with his friends and workmates, and has done so for
many years. One Friday night he casually mentions to his friends that his wife
has left him and taken the kids with her. After some uncomfortable shifting the
mates say, “Oh, that’s no good mate…Let me buy you a beer.” The conversation
then returns to work and sport.
The following Friday night everyone at the bar was stunned to learn that he had
gone home the previous week and killed himself. No one could believe it and
most of them said something along the lines of, “If only we knew…”
In most emotionally charged conversations we understate our true feelings,
sometimes we feel vulnerable and sometimes we are unsure of the response, so
we tend to tease out a subject. Often a short matter of fact statement is made
and either the listener picks up that there is more to the comment and encourages
in a supportive way or as quite often happens, people are not really listening and
we close down.
Just a few days ago, a friend told me about another friend of ours who he had
visited a year ago. He said that our friend had just had major surgery and chemo
for cancer. He also mentioned that our friend had said a few times something
about doctors appointments but he hadn’t asked questions and our friend did not
elaborate. He seemed to have connected the dots…and wondered why he hadn’t
thought to ask.
Then there are the people like my ex-friend who could not shut up long enough
to let me finish my stories at all. We had many tense conversations about how
irritating this was. No matter how I tried to address this she would always say
that she knew where I was going with it and didn’t need me to finish. For a
while we put up with it by having a secret rolling of our eyes and a sigh of, ‘Oh
lets talk about you…again’. Between ourselves we began referring to her as me-
me -me. It’s not the right way and somewhat bitchy but that’s how it goes.
Apart from the cutting off and talking over, she also made every conversation
about herself and completely disregarded anyone else’s. We made jokes about
her along the lines of “Well, enough about you let’s talk about ME!”
Me: I just lost my job, I have a terminal disease and my husband ran off with my
best friend
She: Yikes! I just tore my fingernail
Needless to say, we have parted company.
A psyche friend of mine once said that the art to psychology is not to lead or
give advice but to listen. He said he imagines a wise little bird on his shoulder and
every time a client stops speaking the little bird whispers, “Ask her what else”.
If you wish to really know a person or if you want the greater truth it is worth
remembering that it rarely comes in the initial thread. The thread needs to be
unravelled. There are few gifts in friendship as worthy as the supportive ear and
the leading question.
I see you. I hear you. I feel you
Copyright 2011 Sonya Green www.reinventingmyself.com
another conversation between the words. Perhaps when we become supportive
listeners instead of opinionated speakers we might hear what is really being said.
Recently a friend was grieving the loss of her husband and as she was speaking
about all of the things she had to deal with and the heartache she was going
through. I noticed a sharp fast change in her voice. Suddenly and angrily she
said. “And if I have to sit through just one more person telling me about their
grief I will scream.”
The poor woman had spent the week answering phone calls and having scores
of people visiting, all with the intention of consoling her. I do understand that we
try to empathise and often feel awkward finding the right words to say to people,
so it is very easy to relate a similar story as a way of expressing compassion, but
looking at it from her experience I see how this could be offensive and
overwhelming.
Apart from the awkwardness of finding the right words to offer comfort I think
the problem is that we just don’t know how to listen. Talking makes us feel that
we are doing something; offering something.
My friend summed it up by saying “Right now this is about me, this is happening
to me, I need support and I can’t use my emotional or mental energy to give to
someone else. Talking about your grief while I am grieving is robbing me of my
time to heal and adding to my distress.”
This reminded me of a story I heard some years ago: A guy spends most Friday
nights having a few drinks with his friends and workmates, and has done so for
many years. One Friday night he casually mentions to his friends that his wife
has left him and taken the kids with her. After some uncomfortable shifting the
mates say, “Oh, that’s no good mate…Let me buy you a beer.” The conversation
then returns to work and sport.
The following Friday night everyone at the bar was stunned to learn that he had
gone home the previous week and killed himself. No one could believe it and
most of them said something along the lines of, “If only we knew…”
In most emotionally charged conversations we understate our true feelings,
sometimes we feel vulnerable and sometimes we are unsure of the response, so
we tend to tease out a subject. Often a short matter of fact statement is made
and either the listener picks up that there is more to the comment and encourages
in a supportive way or as quite often happens, people are not really listening and
we close down.
Just a few days ago, a friend told me about another friend of ours who he had
visited a year ago. He said that our friend had just had major surgery and chemo
for cancer. He also mentioned that our friend had said a few times something
about doctors appointments but he hadn’t asked questions and our friend did not
elaborate. He seemed to have connected the dots…and wondered why he hadn’t
thought to ask.
Then there are the people like my ex-friend who could not shut up long enough
to let me finish my stories at all. We had many tense conversations about how
irritating this was. No matter how I tried to address this she would always say
that she knew where I was going with it and didn’t need me to finish. For a
while we put up with it by having a secret rolling of our eyes and a sigh of, ‘Oh
lets talk about you…again’. Between ourselves we began referring to her as me-
me -me. It’s not the right way and somewhat bitchy but that’s how it goes.
Apart from the cutting off and talking over, she also made every conversation
about herself and completely disregarded anyone else’s. We made jokes about
her along the lines of “Well, enough about you let’s talk about ME!”
Me: I just lost my job, I have a terminal disease and my husband ran off with my
best friend
She: Yikes! I just tore my fingernail
Needless to say, we have parted company.
A psyche friend of mine once said that the art to psychology is not to lead or
give advice but to listen. He said he imagines a wise little bird on his shoulder and
every time a client stops speaking the little bird whispers, “Ask her what else”.
If you wish to really know a person or if you want the greater truth it is worth
remembering that it rarely comes in the initial thread. The thread needs to be
unravelled. There are few gifts in friendship as worthy as the supportive ear and
the leading question.
I see you. I hear you. I feel you
Copyright 2011 Sonya Green www.reinventingmyself.com
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