Did you ever meet your Mr Big - The Love of your Life – your Soul Mate?
Did something within you rise up and insist, ‘This is the one, this is
forever or this is divine destiny.’ Poems and love songs express it all with,
“You were meant for me and I was born to love you.”
Love and death are the two life experiences which really compel us to
look at life and the nature of reality. The loss of love, such as a divorce,
the end of a relationship or even an unrequited love can be as
devastating as losing someone through death. We try to be rational and
look for answers from an intellectual viewpoint, but we rarely, if ever, find
satisfaction or resolution. At best, we may decide that, “It’s just the way
things go, get over it and move on”. Through some force of mental
discipline, we suck it down and convince ourselves that we have
accepted and recovered from our loss.
There is nothing quite like a funeral to bring up the big questions. We
find ourselves processing our thoughts from a place outside the
intellectual framework. A subtle and intangible sensing seems to come
into play. We feel that our relationship continues outside of the physical
realm. We may find ourselves wondering, “Could it be some kind of
primal instinct, a spiritual communication or something along the lines of
mystical or psychic phenomena?”
People say that when you’re dead, you’re dead; the afterlife theory is just
wishful thinking or the inability to accept what is. And yet, even if we say
this, and even if we truly believe this, there is still that X Factor.
Pragmatic as we think we are, we do find ourselves having telepathic
conversations with the dead. We still sense them around us, a kind of
energetic awareness of their presence.
When we have been deeply connected to another person we feel
intrinsically woven into them. We try to express this sense with
statements like, “He was a part of me” or “He completed me”. In death or
divorce, it is common to feel like you have lost a part of yourself.
In death, we take time to grieve. In effect, this is a period of physically,
mentally, emotionally and spiritually detaching from our bond. In a way, it
is very similar to withdrawing from an addiction. In the initial stages of
grief, we may feel like we are going insane. It’s as if every nerve within us
becomes raw and every sense is searching the air for a word or touch or
sight of our loved one. Every thought translates to “Come Back!”
Physically, our energy becomes totally depleted, and we find ourselves in
a foetal position, obsessed with conversations in our head, with someone
we don’t really believe is gone. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not,
we do in fact believe that we are capable of maintaining this relationship
in an indefinable realm.
Something within us is certain that the spirit or soul lives on; that we can
maintain our connection through some unexplainable force of mind.
With death we do come to terms with the fact that we need to move on as
we accept that in this life at least, the person will not inhabit a physical
form again. With a physical death, we are usually supported by friends
and family and even society in general will make allowances and lend
support to a person if they know that they are grieving.
Many people also go through a stage in which they feel a great deal of
anger, totally abandoned, and in a way they feel betrayed. With time, this
sorts itself out. We will accept that they did not die on purpose, they did
not maliciously betray us nor did they choose to abandon us. With death,
we are able to continue loving the person and also are able to accept
that they have gone.
When a loving relationship ends in divorce or separation, it is
experienced in the same way, with the same degree of grief, as a death.
In many ways it may be more devastating, as there is no closure. No
matter how final it may appear, there is always that faint hope that they
may come back. There is a possibility that something may change;
because where there is life, there is hope.
With death, it is healing to talk about what a great person they were and
everyone recounts stories of good times. We all refer to the fine
characteristics of the deceased and not a harsh word will be uttered. We
try to keep the dead alive and may place photos near our beds, wear
sentimental jewellery, and perhaps, hold on to pieces of clothing that he
wore. We might even raise a glass to him on his birthday and Christmas.
It’s quite different when a relationship dies. Family and friends will usually
be supportive and sympathetic, but there are no cards, no flowers, and
no time-out to recover. We are not encouraged to talk about him, and if
anything, we are shut down, and advised to dismiss or deny our
memories or sentimentalities. Well meaning friends will try to accelerate
your disconnection by reminding you about what a cad he was.
We are advised to wipe him out. “You were too good for him”, they like to
say, and There are plenty more fish in the sea. He was selfish, weak,
inconsiderate and controlling. He was a cheat and a liar, and you are well
rid of him. And it’s all true, and you know it. “But…”, you hear yourself
say, and you reach for a weak argument or defence. There is no
justification and you know it, and you can’t say what you really think,
because even in the silence of your mind, you know it sounds pathetic. It’
s there though and it escapes without censor, and then the words hang
there, like slow motion alphabet spelling out, “But…I still love him”.
You see the disappointment in their eyes and feel the humiliation well up
inside you, and you remind yourself again how desperate and
insignificant you really are. You make a mental note to yourself, “Don’t
say that out loud ever again, don’t even allow yourself to think it again -
keep telling yourself, it’s over, until you believe it”.
So, plan B: “I hate him, I never want to see him again, I don’t know what I
ever saw in him, he is scum, and I will never, never take him back.”
Plan C: Enter the actress: New hairdo, new clothes, weight loss and
party, party, party. “Who? Oh yeah, I used to have a scene with him, big
mistake, what a loser.”
At some point, we manage to split our life into two realities. Our external
face presents well, and for all appearances, we seem to have gotten over
it. We rarely, if ever, mention him, and when we do - it's in cool tones. We
are back in the game and might have begun dating again or become
involved in some new hobby or interest, and, all in all, we may appear to
be doing well and moving on. Our second life – our secret life - plays
itself out within our imagination. At home, alone and private, our love is
as real and as powerful as ever. Perhaps it’s even better than it ever
was; alone in bed and silent - he comes…
Within the imagination, I can see you so clearly, hear you, with an
honesty that our egos would never have allowed us to speak, touch you
without inhibition into places deep within you. In my imagination, I know
you at your core and I know your history and your future. In my
imagination, we communicate in a different realm, our original source, a
place where you and I are one and the same. Love is love here, not an
agenda and not an event. It is a language, and it is a state of being, it is
who we really are, and it is a Universe within itself. This is my soul and
your soul - merged, and it is more real to me than life.
In my physical reality, I struggle and judge you. Your behaviour confuses
me and my logical mind insists that you will destroy me. You threaten my
sense of safety by annihilating my self-esteem. You treat me as unworthy
and unlovable, and expose my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
I wonder about your emotional baggage. I justify your aloofness,
detachment and cruelty. I convince myself that you are ‘The One’, but
you are too afraid or damaged to love me. On this level, I strive to leave
you, and I am mentally, emotionally and physically detaching from you. It
is quite possible that sometime not too far away, I will be over you. I may
accept that you are not meant for me, this time around.
Most of the time, I am on top of this. I have now mastered the art of crying
inside and smiling outside. I have a list of ‘our stuff,’ like our songs, our
movies and places. I see you in places where you used to be and I hear
words you once said. Songs on the radio bring you alive again and put
us back in that moment. I have heard myself say to myself, “I would crawl
across cut glass to get to you, lie naked in the snow for you, and I would
sell my soul to the devil, if he would just bring you back again, the way
you were, when you loved me.”
Great minds have pondered the nature of love. Many were arrogant
enough to pose an answer. I too, have dissected and inspected the
fragments and postulated theories. I too, have concluded that it is a
simple state of insanity, a chemical anomaly or a primal instinct for
procreation. I have wondered about magnetism and sub-conscious
parental associations. I have judged it as a form of narcissism or an
attraction to my own potential. I have played with the idea that love is
nothing more than a learning experience. People come into our lives to
teach us and then leave when the lesson is completed. I have also
wondered about past-life theories and accepted that intense love may
relate to unresolved past life issues. It may be any, all, or none of these,
and knowing for sure would probably make very little difference.
At its most difficult, love is an addiction, an obsession and a soul
destroying experience. When love dies or love is not requited, it is quite
possibly more painful and longer lasting than losing someone through
death – in a way, it really is a death.
Some people say that with physical death, the soul of the person leaves
the body. It is explained as an energy rising out and merging into the
atmosphere. When love dies, we experience a similar sensation, a great
loss of energy. We physically experience a loss of vitality and become
exhausted and weak for some time. Mentally, we become muddled and
need to use a great amount of energy to remain focused. This energetic
concept is rarely, if ever, considered when we are trying to get through
Loss of love feels like the loss of the soul.
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Copyright Sonya Green
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|How do you get over a heartbreak
Getting through Divorce, Separation or Unrequited Love
Part 1 of 2.
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