Abandonment Letters from the heart

It’s difficult to know where to start. Of all experiences I had in my young life the
absence of, and rejection by, the men that should have been my fathers has
undoubtedly had the greatest impact on my ability to truly be who I am, and to
fulfil any potential I may have been born with. I have spent my entire adult life
battling against low self esteem, an inability to be open with the women in my life
because of deep seated fear that who I am would not be good enough (fear of
rejection?) etc. All of these things quickly lead to a state where the symptoms
become part of the problem and it seems to reinforce your original self doubt.
You begin the think the evidence suggests you really are worthless. You add to
this the need for self medication (with all its own attendant problems) and you’re
off to a bad start.

It’s hard to read the above without feeling it all sounds a bit whiney, but if you
want me to be honest about what impact I feel rejection by my fathers has had
on me in my life…the above is a start. It’s not all black. I know there are good
people in the world and I believe I’m one of them…but it’s been a long, dark,
lonely road.

Lonely is truly the worst. Because you have such a low self esteem, and find
intimacy difficult, you forever hide your true feelings from all of those around you.
You have few, if any, real male friends and ultimately no real female friends and
as a result become much more susceptible to your own fears than those who can
readily share theirs with others. Show me a guy who has few close relationships
and I’ll show you a guy who has had an absent or poor father.

I feel the absence/rejection of fathers has an incalculable impact on children,
especially male children. There are a lot of men, and women, out there that need
to hear this!

If you want to know or talk about anything more don’t hesitate to mail me. I
think what you are doing is great!
(RB. Male 30's)

It seems as though your thread of abandoned parenting has relevance to many
more than you may have imagined.

What happens to a child when for their entire if life, they never hear the words “I
love you” come from the lips of their parents? It is a sad truth that I have lived
with and one that I don’t want to repeat with my children. I’ve often pondered
why it was so hard for both mum and dad to say these three simple words to
me. Even during my mother’s final years when I’d ring her or visit her she couldn’
t reciprocate when I said to her “Mum, I love you”. Perhaps when she was still
alive we should have spoken about it but there never seemed to be the right time
or the right words to use. Maybe I never wanted to hear the answer and that’s
why I never asked.

In my own mind I’ve always empathised with them because I know that they
loved me deeply and that all their children were very special to them. I didn’t feel
abandoned by them but more unable to connect in a way that gave greater
meaning and understanding to our relationship. They demonstrated their love in
many ways but they themselves were emotionally naive and rarely if ever
discussed emotions and feelings with each other or with us kids. I never once
saw them kiss, hug or cuddle and only once did I hear them fight.

We grew up in this environment and for all I knew this was normal. Thinking
back to my friends and their families nothing was very different at their places
either. It was only when I was a teenager and starting mixing with Italian’s and
Greek’s that I realized our home was “inert”. Their homes were alive with
laughter, emotion, arguments and passion while ours was the epitome of middle
class protestant Anglo-Saxon correctness. An emotional desert where each of us
was left to understand and try and fathom out for ourselves what was going on.
Through childhood, puberty and adolescence we fumbled and bumbled our way
through with various degrees of success. Sadly we were never able to share this
with our parents not because they weren’t interested but because we didn’t
know how to talk to one another. They missed so much and in doing so we
missed so much. Our teenage years were the most difficult for them and they did
abandon us emotionally through this time because they couldn’t or didn’t want to
understand us.
Their preconceived ideas left no room for our expanding worlds so rather than
come to logger heads we retreated and told them little of our lives for fear of
repercussions.

Looking from the outside in it would have seemed that we had it all. Dad ran a
successful small business and mum concentrated on what she did best…
nurturing, caring and supporting. Dad followed the role models of his era, a
robot in the post war army, building a better nation through hard work and due
diligence. 70 hours a week with his shoulder at the wheel. We reaped his
financial rewards with our comfortable home life but the price he paid was
profound. An early death robbed any chance we had to re-connect with him.
This is one of the biggest regrets in my life in that I never really got to know my
dad as a son and father should know each other. Maybe if he lived another 20
years it could have been different but that wasn’t to be. The lesson this taught me
has been profound and a major influence in the way that I have structured my life
to include my children.

“If only’s” run deep in most of us and the regrets if they were realized may have
made me a totally different person today. This wasn’t to be and I was born into
my family for a reason. The lessons of the father are passed onto the son and in
me I can commence to do something that will ultimately benefit my son and his.
Our children in the future will also reflect on our parenting and hopefully they
won’t be repeating our negative patterns (perhaps we also like our parents don’t
see the forest for the trees). We have a greater understanding of the human
condition now and in reflection maybe “they could have done better”. Maybe if
they would have been more open with me then I could have been more open
and honest with the ones that I have loved throughout my life.

I’ve recognized in myself my father’s aloofness and an inability to connect with
people at the deepest level but I am trying in my lifetime to challenge and turn it
around because of the immeasurable benefits that close relationships bring. I
know guys cop a lot of flack because we don’t display and verbalise our
emotions as well as what women would like but I’m sure in the future this will
change. Often we don’t even have the insight to recognize or name them. We are
an evolving species and all our hunting, clubbing, maiming and killing of the past
40,000 years hasn’t prepared us well for the re-evaluation of our roles and
responsibilities in the 21st century. Women have fought for their own power for
the past thirty years and now men need to empower themselves by seeking to
understand their internal world as distinct from their external existence.

What you are doing to reconnect the men in your life with their children is
significant and important. Men often just need a helping hand to start the ball
rolling…they’re not very good at asking for one because this takes them into
uncharted waters and reveals their vulnerabilities. Blokes want other blokes to
think that everything’s under control, you don’t think others or myself would
have put our thoughts down if it wasn’t for you opening the subject. Keep pulling
those threads.
(C.W. Male 50yrs)

Hello Sonya,
I just read your article and was deeply and profoundly moved. It touched my
heart in more ways then you know.
My father, one of the notorious baby boomers (now nearing age 58) was one of
the men of which you speak. He was a good man, an upstanding man and a
good provider. He tried to live by example but never acknowledged his love for
us girls.
Growing up in a strict military environment, we were taught to do as we were
told and that would earn his respect. For many years, I "knew" he loved us, but
he never spoke the words aloud.
It was when I continually suffered bizarre dreams of black widows prior to his ill
health, that a psychic friend told me that once I communicated my feelings to my
father that the dreams would stop. Initially I thought it was bologna, but the day
came when my father nearly died while having open heart surgery that I realized
the poignancy of my friend's advice.
Shortly before he went into the operating room, my eyes plead for him to say, "I
love you." But the words never came. For that instant second of my life, I
feared that he would die and he would never have told me that he had loved me.

When we almost did lose him, I knew that I had to seriously talk with him had he
survived the ordeal. Six weeks passed, as he was hospitalized due to severe
complications - a nasty staph infection ensued and nearly killed him - aside from
the heart surgery.
After he was finally released and went home, I simply asked him outright,
"Daddy, I know you love me... but I really need to hear you tell me. Can you do
that for me?"
Initially, he was astounded by the spoken words, but then he responded, "you
know that I love you."
At that point, I told him that I knew he loved me, but I needed to hear the
spoken words. Amazingly, after a long pause and a subtle gulp, my father - after
32 years of my life, told me that he loved me. I think that I took him by
surprise. He never thought he would have to tell me that he loved me. For the
first time in my life, I could let out a "sigh" of peace. I finally knew for sure.
Incredibly, the "black widow" dreams stopped. The only downfall to that was
that I can no longer predict his ill-events, but I'd rather assume now, not know.
With his health failing and my not knowing how much time he has left with us (he
has congestive heart failure, uncontrollable diabetes, and a number of other
health ailments) I am at least contented knowing that he mustered the courage to
say three little words, "I Love You." And that, has meant the world to me.
Thank you for sharing your story. Please do accept my condolences on the loss
of your brother, I am sure he was a wonderful man. Love and Blessings
LC (Female 30s)

External scars and wounds seem to me to be torment enough; how insidious then
the internal hurt that is seldom exposed and less often healed. The “trite” old
truisms, “A burden shared is a burden halved” are, sometimes painfully,
accurate. When an honest, inciteful divulgence such as Sonya’s “Abandonment”
treatise is regurgitated on us, we are compelled to re-examine our lives, past and
present and the responsibilities that we have to one another. Like it or no, we are
not islands unto ourselves.
Decency, generosity, empathy, love – selfish and egocentric …
One of my heroes is reputed to have had a wild animal released from a trap, then
railed at an observer who praised him for the deed, calling him an imbecile. “I
HAD to release that animal because I love it and I was hurting with him. You
could think of this animal as a beneficiary of my self-love.” All of us must learn to
maximize our “beneficiaries”.
Heroism … most long at least once for this opportunity; seems ludicrous, doesn’
t it, when we can be heroes everyday by simply demonstrating our love in
actions and words. “I love you. I love you.” (I want you to love me, too.)
So simple to give those whom you love more than crumbs and
assumptions.
K.W (Female 60yrs)

Dear Sonya,
Thank you so much for your web-site. I have had a slight weight problem since I
was a teenager. I've never been more than 30-40 pounds overweight. I just
can't seem to reach my goal weight and keep it there. I tend to stop when I get
within 10-15 pounds of my goal.
I've known for a long time that I am and emotional eater, but I never knew why
until I read your web-site. I obviously have a huge problem with abandonment.
My parents were emotionally unavailable and I was home by myself after school
and in the summer. My brother and sister were 8 and 9 years older than I was.
My sister and I shared a room and she became kind of my surrogate mother.
When I was very young, I would climb into bed with her at night when I was
frightened. As we got older we connected more just because our parents were
so distant emotionally.
Just as in the case with your brother, my sister died tragically, at the age of 37.
She never was very attractive and had a lousy life. She completed nursing
school, so she always had a good job, but her husband was a deadbeat who
couldn't or wouldn't hold a job for any length of time. They had two daughters
and moved around a lot. When my sister was 34 she was diagnosed with breast
cancer. While she was going for chemotherapy, her husband was molesting and
raping their 10 year old daughter. My Niece didn't divulge her secret until she
was 13. When she did, we went to the police and her scumbag husband was
jailed. He only served a year and a half for his crime. My sister suffered
horribly from the cancer. It invaded her brain and bones and she ultimately died
of hepatitis A and B, due to her compromised immune system. She and I talked
constantly during her illness. I was also raising two daughters at the time and
didn't visit her as much as I should, but I was there for her on the phone when
she was sick and scared. Our mother was there for her physically, but not
emotionally and our father was neither. His idea was to plan a trip during her final
illness to get our mother away from the emotional pain she was suffering. My
sister was so frightened of being alone. She knew that she was not physically
able to care for herself and I was not able to leave my family and care for her
personally. Luckily my father's plan for a cruise was foiled by my sister
becoming so ill that she was hospitalized for the final time. She died a horrible
death. It's not easy for a young persons heart to stop beating unless it suffers
great trauma. I know now that my father loved my sister so much that he couldn't
bear to see her suffer, so he wanted to run away from her, but at the time, both
she and I hated him for it. My father and I have reconnected and in his old age
we hug each other and he calls me his favorite daughter. I hope he told my sister
how much he loved her before she died. I hope she didn't die yearning for his
love.
My mother, on the other hand, doesn't know how to parent. She stays so
wrapped up in her church and stays so blinded to the real truths in life that we
don't connect. She is horribly prejudiced against anything that her Baptist religion
tells her is wrong. I have found great comfort in the Catholic Church, but have
been unable to share it with her because of her prejudice. She is against drinking
and any kind of foul language or anything that could remotely be considered fun.
My husband and I got pregnant before we were married and that was a huge
blow to her ego. My life has been filled with lies to keep her from finding out
how bad I am. The real truth is that my husband and I, with the help of a
wonderful Psychologist, (I guess I quit going to her before I tackled all of my
issues) have been able to raise two beautiful, successful daughters. They have
both graduated from college and married great guys. I've never robbed a bank
or done drugs. I consume only one or two alcoholic beverages a week (which is
one or two more than my mother would approve of). I give to several charities
and try to do good things for other people. I guess what I'm saying is that I
would love to have my mother's approval and validation that I am a good
person, but I know I'll never get it. We will never connect on the level that I
desire.
I have read many, many books on weight loss recently (including Dr. Phil's) and
not one mentioned that you need to begin by learning to love yourself. I realized
by reading your article that the reason I mainly want to overeat in afternoon is
because I was alone as a child so much at that time of the day. Several times a
week, I start feeling frightened that my husband will have a wreck and die on the
way home (he came very close to dying of a spinal abscess and septicaemia in
1998). I'm sure I probably had the same feelings about my parents when I was
young. I'm sure my sister's death is tied into these feelings also.
I really can't thank you enough for your website. I'm putting it on my favorites list
and plan on reading the affirmations daily.
You've helped me tap into some really painful issues that I have been trying to
avoid by eating them away. Problem is, they won't go away until I deal with them.

Sincerely,
(Names withheld)

Dear Sonya,
My search for others views on abandonment brought me to your site. I read the
article with great interest. You said that it is possible that everyone can be
around still one can feel abandoned. I agree with you because it has been my
experience. I am 54 now. Until 2 years ago I had no clue as to why I felt
abandoned particularly since I was the most wanted child, the first born came
after many years of wait.

I felt no intimacy with my parents, I left home in my teens, I felt a deep sense of
alienation. Logically my home situation did not give me answers. Today I have
the answer - the feelings of abandonment I experienced are rooted in the difficult
and prolonged labour my mother went through and a very violent forceps birth
experience. Fortunately, I have been able to re-experience the deeply buried
feelings. I have been able to intimately connect with my mother who died seven
years ago and my father who is still alive.

I still had to pay a great price. My wife left me nearly 10 years ago taking our
son with her. I feel healed about my relationship with my wife but the pain of
separation from my son I carry with me. I am very well aware how much my son
needs me but unfortunately he becomes the victim of a broken relationship.

I also see a pattern of abandonment in our families. I realize, this pattern can be
broken only by re-living the experience and accepting it fully. I am ready to
reconnect with my son whenever that happens without blaming anyone and with
no hostility to his mother.

I feel the root of all violence and lack of love rise from the wounds of
abandonment one experienced in early life. Bringing about true peace in the
world need healing these deep wounds individuals carry within themselves?

Sonya, thank you for posting this article. It touched me and inspired me to share
my own experience of abandonment and its impact. I believe this is one way of
setting of a healing process and spreading peace and happiness.
Warm regards,
GK.

What To Do When You're Told, "You're not my Dad!

Q. "Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now
remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best
to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the
discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan
won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I
change this?"

A. Adults know that problems between spouses cause divorce
and any lingering negativity. Children on the other hand,
often blame themselves when their parents don't have a
succeed at marriage. Nathan undoubtedly feels like his dad
abandoned him and not you. Those feelings will be reinforced
if his dad visits rarely or not at all. This leaves Nathan
feeling guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may even be afraid
that you will leave too.

Nathan is carrying all this around plus the fact that you
married another man. This makes it evident to him that his
parents won't be re-uniting. Also another man is taking away
the special attention he was getting when you were a single
mom. He has a lot on his plate and it makes sense that he
will have trouble coping.

It could even be the case that Nathan really liked David
before you two married. He just had boyfriend status then.
He was fun to be around and wasn't bossy. Now he acts like
he owns the whole place.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David
became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for
Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him
about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and
Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all
three of you. If you have other children, include them as
well.

Acknowledge Nathan's confusion, anger and resentment. Make
it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad's place, and
never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his
father - even if you don't! Try to remain matter-of-fact
about the separation, and keep the children out of any
ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him
and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love
Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not
mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

You have to tell Nathan that David does have parental
authority over him now. Whatever he asks him to do, he must
do it. Don't let Nathan come to you and try to discount
anything David requires from him. If you don't like
something David is doing, take it up with him privately. In
public you have to back him up. Nathan has to be aware that
you and David are a couple now and stand together in family
decisions.

Dr. Noel Swanson is a leading expert on child behaviour.
He has a fascinating website with lots of
www.good-child-guide.com

Home Within

I was the first-born
Came after a long wait
Favorite of everyone
Pampered by all

I didn’t feel belonged
I felt smothered
I felt a vacuum
I felt abandoned

I ran from my parents
My siblings, my home
In search of a home
I ran from my home

I joined a community
I looked everywhere
I met new people
I didn’t belong anywhere

I wandered around
Floating on the waves
Drifting in the wind
Finding no anchor

My search continued
For the elusive home
My longing deepened
Nowhere did I find a home

I felt desperate
Disheartened to the core
Seeing nowhere to go
Wanted to give up forever

One day you came along
Showed me a new way
I was keen yet reluctant
I followed the new way

The way to the inner
The way deep within
I am on my path within
Finding my home within
G.K.

Dear Sonya,
Thank you for your website. It gave me a feeling of recognition. But I did not
find an answer I am just about craving for.
I myself was abandoned by my father when aged 7.It seems until today, being
37, I am followed by the devastating fear of being abandoned. I'll push my
partners unconsciously to test their willingness to stay around, but if they start
backing off, the fear of being abandoned I experience is out of all proportions
and nerve wrecking. I feel I will never find love again; I feel anyone who really
knows me (my father never accepted any weakness in anyone, including his
children) will leave at some point.
I so very much wonder will it ever stop? With help of a therapist, I have been
working on this for half a year now, but even if the issues become clearer and
clearer, as does my own behaviour, the fear never lessens.
I would be so grateful for a reply.

Please in case you answer my question on the site, withold my name; it is not too
common. Thank you.
All the best,
A.M.

... If you have the time to read some of the other articles you will find there
is a common thread throughout it all and that is that challenging and
confronting fear as well as making a conscious decision to love ourselves.
It rather funny don't you think that we hold so much resentment for lack of
support and feeling betrayed by our family or friends and yet as adults we
have the power and position to claim those things and yet we don't. He has
let you down and you will never ever change that, its gone, but it does
make you who you are today. Putting the pieces of our childhood together
and seeing the impact there can be helpful, but it will always get back to
making changes at the point of now. Perhaps in a way you now need to be
the parent he should have been, by making sure you give yourself love,
support and protection. Challenging fear and letting yourself receive love
should be the real quest now.
I also think that the third track on the reinventing myself healing
meditations can greatly accelerate "Letting Go" If you have a high speed
connection you can download it for only $1 or $2 from iTunes or one of the
larger download sites. Otherwise practise a letting go and self love style
meditation each night before you go to sleep.
Sonya