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What Women Want
Women's views on Sexuality
Sex as a spiritual ritual
(Part 1)
Now available in paperback or as an ebook.
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I remember watching an interview on TV once and a guy was asked when he knew his marriage was
in trouble. He answered that he was making love to his wife and caught up in a great moment of
passion when he heard his wife whisper, “Darling, the ceiling needs painting”.

I guess men think about other things during sex; men may become bored with sex, but even then I
don’t think men ever become as indifferent or as detached as many women appear to do.

Men seem to value sex more than women do: actually, there appear to be a lot of differences
between the genders when it comes to attitudes about sex.

Men pursue sex and women pursue love and romance. Men will often use love to get sex and many
women will use sex to get love. It usually works out pretty well in the end, as most people realize that
they want and need both.

We seem to spend the first half of our lives learning things and then the second half trying to
unlearn things. It really does take a keen sense of observation and a lot of self-analysis to unravel
belief systems to find our own truths. It also takes a lot of courage and determination to go against
standard beliefs and live your life according to your own wisdom; there are so many areas of our
lives in which we are wearing masks and being phoney. We know on a logical level that things don’t
make sense but we are so afraid of ‘Not being Normal’ that we would rather live with lies and
suppress our true nature than appear to be different. Somehow, lies and stupidity become
acceptable and things that are natural and healthy become unacceptable, trivialised, embarrassing
or taboo.

Intellectually, we may all agree that this is particularly so in relation to sex and body image. Men are
generally more comfortable with their desires, performance and bodily functions, whereas women
appear to be continually struggling with two entirely opposite worlds when it comes to sex. The
sexual revolution of the sixties presented us with new freedoms and greater education allowing us to
fully embrace the idea that it was O.K. to enjoy sex. We readily accepted that sex was normal and
healthy. We were open to experimentation and even got to the point of pursuing sex, enjoying sex
and making sexual demands.

We do underestimate the power of conditioning and just how deeply our belief systems are instilled.
On one level, we embraced sexual freedom, but we were somehow unable to completely let go of
our previous Victorian attitudes. Even today, we operate on levels of guilt, shame, self-
consciousness and sexual suppression. We still carry within us our ‘Good girls don’t’ and ‘Bad girls
do’ attitudes. We still think in terms of being used, giving in, playing hard to get, letting him have his
way and of course, the ever popular question, “Will he respect me in the morning?”

We may have a very good understanding of anatomy and know the proper names of our private
bits, as well as a good basic knowledge of how it all works. We accept our animal instincts and
primal desires and behaviours. But, then again on a deeper level, there is this distorted and illogical
belief that we should smell like perfume and our genitals should look like orchids. We worry that we
may have too much hair; that we are too fat, too flabby or too old. We are self-conscious about our
sexuality and shy about expressing our needs.

It really wasn’t all that long ago that it was assumed that women didn’t enjoy sex and they only did it
because it was their duty if they were married. They had to be married, as that was socially and
financially imperative. The sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies turned all of this around.
Sex had been a taboo subject up until this point, but with the availability and acceptance of the
contraceptive pill woman discovered a freedom like never before. Women began to explore their
own sexuality. Magazines came with sealed sections and within those pages articles were about
clitoris’s, g-spots, erogenous zones and masturbation. Woman began looking at pictures of naked
men as well as close-up shots of female genitals. The concepts of multiple sex partners, orgies,
pornography and homosexuality were explored.

The world had changed and life was never going to be the same again. Fear of pregnancy was
probably the main reason women avoided sex, but all that changed with the pill. From all of this,
came very significant changes for women right across the board. Women demanded, and ultimately
received, equal opportunities in most aspects of their lives.

These days, we all have a fair understanding of how our body’s work and we have the freedom to
explore our sexuality. Woman can be as sexually liberated and at ease with themselves as the men
are. So why aren’t we?

Why are women so hung up about their bodies: self-conscious, ashamed, critical, ignorant and
Why are we still thinking that men are using us or that we are giving up something.
Could it be that we still think nice girls don’t and that ‘Doing it’ will cost us his respect.
Are our genitals really ‘Yucky’ and do we ever really look at them.
Is sex power and are we still bartering.
Why do we still believe we are unattractive if we are not perfect, and why do we believe that only
perfect bodies deserve sex.
Will we ‘Die from embarrassment’ if caught masturbating – Do we masturbate.

I’m not suggesting that men have all the answers either; they certainly need to address a few issues
themselves. But, I am suggesting that men are generally much more comfortable with their sexuality
and their bodies than we are.

Men establish a very healthy relationship with their penises very early in life. Perhaps it is because
their equipment is external and easily accessible. Most men consider their penises to be their
favourite body part, some even go so far as to give it a name. Most probably talk to it like it is a
good mate and certainly most men treat it with the utmost respect and consideration. From a very
young age boys realize that touching it feels good and most will touch it often throughout the day.

Men are also sexually aroused very easily, and will experience ‘a little flutter’ by something as simple
as seeing an attractive woman. Men usually wake up each morning with ‘a hard-on’ and will
automatically give it at least a little fond stoking before they start their day.

Women, on the other hand, have everything hidden away and very private. Women rarely look at
themselves ‘down there’ and it is quite common for a partner or Gynaecologist to know more about
the look of her ‘privates’ than the woman herself. Women are also more likely to need emotional,
psychological or physical stimulation before becoming aroused.

Parents also tend to educate their children quite differently when it comes to sex. Boys get more of a
‘How to do it’ talk, whereas the women are constantly reminded and warned about the perils of
unwanted pregnancy. Fair enough, as it is usually the female who gets left holding the baby.
Females are also warned about men only wanting one thing and the risks of gaining a bad
reputation. Religious beliefs may also come into consideration and the very strong suggestion that
sex outside of marriage is sinful. Promiscuous girls get labelled as sluts and no decent men would
ever want them. Promiscuous males are labelled as studs, and in some cases, become more

It’s no wonder that women are accused of this yes-no-yes-no attitude to sex. We are conditioned to
treat sex with caution and to be highly discerning or suspicious of sexual advances, but, at the same
time, we are also conditioned into using our sexuality to attract a mate.

The thing that men know, and we still haven’t yet fully grasped, is that sex is a necessary, natural
and healthy activity. Men also know that they can get it and enjoy it regardless of their shape. Men
rarely feel shame or embarrassment about wanting it or actively pursuing it. They don’t feel used or
disrespected or cheap after sex. I’ve never met a man yet who thought I owed him something
because he had given himself to me.

Penises are all shapes and sizes. If we really want to analyse it then I’d probably have to say they
are O.K. but not really stunningly beautiful. In fact, the hairy balls, veins along the shaft and the little
helmet at the top are really no more or no less beautiful than female genitals. In fact, if you really get
down to it you, may notice there is great similarity in design between the two. The vagina is really
like an inverted penis. The labia is the equivalent of the balls and the clitoris is really just a tiny little
baby penis. The aesthetics aren’t important at all. Genitals are amazingly fantastic pieces of
engineering. Their purpose and function is comparable to nothing.

Genitals have many sizes, shapes and colours, yet we still get caught up in thinking that they must
be ‘Movie Star perfect’, pretty in pink and dainty. This is yet another example of accepting
propaganda and denying reality. Women’s genitals can range from pink, red, maroon, purple to
black in colouring, all being perfectly normal. Minor Labia (inner lips) can be short, long, fleshy or
taunt. Pubic hair may be soft or coarse and wiry, and of course some women have a lot of hair and
some do not. Nipples also come in pink and brown hues, different sizes, and large or small areolae.
We seem to have no trouble accepting that penises are different sizes both in length and thickness,
some are circumcised and some are not, and balls also come in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Some women are self-conscious that everything is right next to the anus. Well, think about it – where
exactly do you want it. Nice on your forehead - but a bit distracting, on your elbow would be a bit of a
problem in a crowd don’t you think. Your hip may be O.K. but very limiting if you like a variety of
positions, not to mention that you would throw your spine out of alignment. Really, think about it –
the position is perfect!

Another concern is fluid; some women worry that they get too wet and others worry that they are not
wet enough. This fluid is soft, smooth and sensual to the touch. If this was a Chemist made product,
it would be highly sought after and extraordinarily expensive. Men love the touch of a woman’s
wetness, as it says, “Yes, I want you”. Men need indications and responses to let them know that
they are doing well. Men love to know you are horny and nothing says it better than sending down
your juices. A smart, or at least a considerate lover, will also be aware that if you are not wet
enough, he needs to spend a bit more time on the foreplay. So, don’t get anxious about not being
wet enough, just thank your body for letting him know he needs to back up, slow down and pay
attention. Wetness of course, also protects the vagina as well as providing the slidiness. Slidiness
may not be the correct term, but, I’m sure you now what I mean and understand the importance of it.
If dryness is a health related problem, there are excellent lubricants available and quite a lot of
herbs that can help in many cases.

Probably the most self-consciousness is about smell. Yes, we have all heard the fish jokes. Most
women will at some time notice a stronger smell than usual and feel concerned. If you feel you may
have a problem, then see a doctor as you may have an infection or an STD. If you are healthy and
do not have a medical problem, then the most probable cause is hygiene. Vaginal fluid is healthy,
necessary and normal, and it does not usually have a strong odour. It has such an ever so slight
and subtle smell, that it is hardly noticeable and usually quite pleasant, much like sweat has a nice
subtle, salty smell, but if left unchecked it becomes a strong and unpleasant odour. A considerate
lover will always make sure she is fresh and clean before engaging in sex. Some women are so self-
conscious about their odour that they become fanatically clean and go so far as to use perfumed
products. This is a bad idea, as your vaginal fluids contain pheromones which act as aphrodisiacs.
That smell that you are all precious about is actually turning on your lover. Perhaps, you would do
better to toss out your perfume and dab a little vaginal fluid behind your ears as well.

Too fat, too thin, big tits, little tits and saggy bits.
When are women going to get over all of this. Do something about it if it really is causing you
anguish. Ideally, do something with your attitude rather than your body parts. Men may have hairy
arses, beer bellies or weak calf muscles, but they don’t attack their own sexuality over it, do they.
Being sexy and enjoying sex has nothing to do with the size or shape of your body parts. If men
have one complaint, it is this: they are sick of women making reference to body defects. They just
don’t care. If you think your bum is too big then it probably is, but men don’t care. They are very
interested in ejaculating into your vagina; they are not interested in skin elasticity or fat cells. Save it
for your girlfriends, therapist or cosmetic surgeon.

We are self-conscious about a lot of things and most of it is a bit neurotic. If you really care for your
lover, or more so if you are in love with your lover, then it is only human to want to know that you are
sexually exciting, pleasurable and fulfilling.

Sex, as an expression of love, can be, and should be, ‘A Sacred Ritual’. Society may have reduced
it to a stress management technique, a sport or entertainment. Some people will compare it to a
basic need as simple as having a meal. I have heard quoted “Why buy a book when you can join a
library” as a justification for screwing around. It’s easy to trivialize and devalue things, it’s easy to
become cynical and detach ourselves from emotional issues, but in the end it becomes very cold
and empty and within us all is the knowledge and longing that we do need to be loved. We need to
love, we need to be loved, and we need to express love. The expression of love requires an
intellectual, emotional and physical connection. This is where empathy comes into it; we need to
know that deep within us and through all of our senses that we are being honoured. Love requires
vulnerability. To truly give our innermost private self we need to feel safe, respected and to some
degree, a little worshipped.

Of course, sex can be casual, playful, debauched or just lazy, as well as having many other
dimensions. Any or all of these aspects can play in and out of a healthy relationship and all are
quite acceptable. Most long-term relationships include ‘quickie sex’ or ‘just getting your rocks off’
sex. One night stands or casual encounters can also range from spectacular and exciting to
indifferent servicing. However, one night stands and quickie sex are separate issues and I am really
addressing women’s sexuality, attitudes and experiences. While acknowledging that we are all
different and have different desires and needs, and that sex has a huge range of complexities, I am
mainly relating to sex as a loving expression and basic human need.

Techniques can be learned, practised and perfected. Everyone has a responsibility to themselves
and their lovers to educate themselves. No matter how athletic or skillful you are, it will mean very
little if you do not connect empathetically with your partner, no-one wants to feel like they are a slab
of meat being masturbated into. Empathy is about tuning into your partner, feeling, responding,
sensing and caring. Having a big dick, a bag of tricks and plenty of stamina are all advantages, but
if a woman feels that she is nothing more than a vessel to you, then she won’t be interested for very

We pay a lot of attention to the importance of genital stimulation and accept that female orgasm is
all about the clitoris. Too often, foreplay begins and ends with the genitals. Too often, sex begins
and ends with the genitals. Although pleasure, satisfaction and orgasm can be achieved, it can and
will be very unfulfilling and heartless in a long-term relationship. Sexual technique and stamina are
important, but they do not make a good lover and they are not the key ingredients of great sex. For
many men, sex education comes through pornography, masturbation or story telling with other men.
Too often, men focus on the physical aspects of sex and sometimes act like sex is a race to the
finish line.

Click the next button to go to part 2 and 3.
Seduction foreplay and ecstasy
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