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I remember watching an interview on TV once and a guy was asked
when he knew his marriage was in trouble. He answered that he was
making love to his wife and caught up in a great moment of passion
when he heard his wife whisper, “Darling, the ceiling needs painting”.

I guess men think about other things during sex; men may become
bored with sex, but even then I don’t think men ever become as
indifferent or as detached as many women appear to do.

Men seem to value sex more than women do: actually, there appear to
be a lot of differences between the genders when it comes to attitudes
about sex.

Men pursue sex and women pursue love and romance. Men will often
use love to get sex and many women will use sex to get love. It usually
works out pretty well in the end, as most people realize that they want
and need both.

We seem to spend the first half of our lives learning things and then the
second half trying to unlearn things. It really does take a keen sense of
observation and a lot of self-analysis to unravel belief systems to find
our own truths. It also takes a lot of courage and determination to go
against standard beliefs and live your life according to your own wisdom;
there are so many areas of our lives in which we are wearing masks and
being phoney. We know on a logical level that things don’t make sense
but we are so afraid of ‘Not being Normal’ that we would rather live with
lies and suppress our true nature than appear to be different.
Somehow, lies and stupidity become acceptable and things that are
natural and healthy become unacceptable, trivialised, embarrassing or

Intellectually, we may all agree that this is particularly so in relation to
sex and body image. Men are generally more comfortable with their
desires, performance and bodily functions, whereas women appear to
be continually struggling with two entirely opposite worlds when it comes
to sex. The sexual revolution of the sixties presented us with new
freedoms and greater education allowing us to fully embrace the idea
that it was O.K. to enjoy sex. We readily accepted that sex was normal
and healthy. We were open to experimentation and even got to the point
of pursuing sex, enjoying sex and making sexual demands.

We do underestimate the power of conditioning and just how deeply our
belief systems are instilled. On one level, we embraced sexual freedom,
but we were somehow unable to completely let go of our previous
Victorian attitudes. Even today, we operate on levels of guilt, shame,
self-consciousness and sexual suppression. We still carry within us our
‘Good girls don’t’ and ‘Bad girls do’ attitudes. We still think in terms of
being used, giving in, playing hard to get, letting him have his way and
of course, the ever popular question, “Will he respect me in the

We may have a very good understanding of anatomy and know the
proper names of our private bits, as well as a good basic knowledge of
how it all works. We accept our animal instincts and primal desires and
behaviours. But, then again on a deeper level, there is this distorted
and illogical belief that we should smell like perfume and our genitals
should look like orchids. We worry that we may have too much hair; that
we are too fat, too flabby or too old. We are self-conscious about our
sexuality and shy about expressing our needs.

It really wasn’t all that long ago that it was assumed that women didn’t
enjoy sex and they only did it because it was their duty if they were
married. They had to be married, as that was socially and financially
imperative. The sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies turned all
of this around. Sex had been a taboo subject up until this point, but with
the availability and acceptance of the contraceptive pill woman
discovered a freedom like never before. Women began to explore their
own sexuality. Magazines came with sealed sections and within those
pages articles were about clitoris’s, g-spots, erogenous zones and
masturbation. Woman began looking at pictures of naked men as well
as close-up shots of female genitals. The concepts of multiple sex
partners, orgies, pornography and homosexuality were explored.

The world had changed and life was never going to be the same again.
Fear of pregnancy was probably the main reason women avoided sex,
but all that changed with the pill. From all of this, came very significant
changes for women right across the board. Women demanded, and
ultimately received, equal opportunities in most aspects of their lives.

These days, we all have a fair understanding of how our body’s work
and we have the freedom to explore our sexuality. Woman can be as
sexually liberated and at ease with themselves as the men are. So why
aren’t we?

Why are women so hung up about their bodies: self-conscious,
ashamed, critical, ignorant and insecure.
Why are we still thinking that men are using us or that we are giving up
Could it be that we still think nice girls don’t and that ‘Doing it’ will cost us
his respect.
Are our genitals really ‘Yucky’ and do we ever really look at them.
Is sex power and are we still bartering.
Why do we still believe we are unattractive if we are not perfect, and why
do we believe that only perfect bodies deserve sex.
Will we ‘Die from embarrassment’ if caught masturbating – Do we

I’m not suggesting that men have all the answers either; they certainly
need to address a few issues themselves. But, I am suggesting that men
are generally much more comfortable with their sexuality and their
bodies than we are.

Men establish a very healthy relationship with their penises very early in
life. Perhaps it is because their equipment is external and easily
accessible. Most men consider their penises to be their favourite body
part, some even go so far as to give it a name. Most probably talk to it
like it is a good mate and certainly most men treat it with the utmost
respect and consideration. From a very young age boys realize that
touching it feels good and most will touch it often throughout the day.

Men are also sexually aroused very easily, and will experience ‘a little
flutter’ by something as simple as seeing an attractive woman. Men
usually wake up each morning with ‘a hard-on’ and will automatically
give it at least a little fond stoking before they start their day.

Women, on the other hand, have everything hidden away and very
private. Women rarely look at themselves ‘down there’ and it is quite
common for a partner or Gynaecologist to know more about the look of
her ‘privates’ than the woman herself. Women are also more likely to
need emotional, psychological or physical stimulation before becoming

Parents also tend to educate their children quite differently when it
comes to sex. Boys get more of a ‘How to do it’ talk, whereas the women
are constantly reminded and warned about the perils of unwanted
pregnancy. Fair enough, as it is usually the female who gets left holding
the baby. Females are also warned about men only wanting one thing
and the risks of gaining a bad reputation. Religious beliefs may also
come into consideration and the very strong suggestion that sex outside
of marriage is sinful. Promiscuous girls get labelled as sluts and no
decent men would ever want them. Promiscuous males are labelled as
studs, and in some cases, become more admired.

It’s no wonder that women are accused of this yes-no-yes-no attitude to
sex. We are conditioned to treat sex with caution and to be highly
discerning or suspicious of sexual advances, but, at the same time, we
are also conditioned into using our sexuality to attract a mate.

The thing that men know, and we still haven’t yet fully grasped, is that
sex is a necessary, natural and healthy activity. Men also know that they
can get it and enjoy it regardless of their shape. Men rarely feel shame
or embarrassment about wanting it or actively pursuing it. They don’t
feel used or disrespected or cheap after sex. I’ve never met a man yet
who thought I owed him something because he had given himself to me.

Penises are all shapes and sizes. If we really want to analyse it then I’d
probably have to say they are O.K. but not really stunningly beautiful. In
fact, the hairy balls, veins along the shaft and the little helmet at the top
are really no more or no less beautiful than female genitals. In fact, if
you really get down to it you, may notice there is great similarity in
design between the two. The vagina is really like an inverted penis. The
labia is the equivalent of the balls and the clitoris is really just a tiny little
baby penis. The aesthetics aren’t important at all. Genitals are
amazingly fantastic pieces of engineering. Their purpose and function is
comparable to nothing.

Genitals have many sizes, shapes and colours, yet we still get caught up
in thinking that they must be ‘Movie Star perfect’, pretty in pink and
dainty. This is yet another example of accepting propaganda and
denying reality. Women’s genitals can range from pink, red, maroon,
purple to black in colouring, all being perfectly normal. Minor Labia
(inner lips) can be short, long, fleshy or taunt. Pubic hair may be soft or
coarse and wiry, and of course some women have a lot of hair and
some do not. Nipples also come in pink and brown hues, different sizes,
and large or small areolae. We seem to have no trouble accepting that
penises are different sizes both in length and thickness, some are
circumcised and some are not, and balls also come in a variety of
shapes and sizes.

Some women are self-conscious that everything is right next to the
anus. Well, think about it – where exactly do you want it. Nice on your
forehead - but a bit distracting, on your elbow would be a bit of a
problem in a crowd don’t you think. Your hip may be O.K. but very
limiting if you like a variety of positions, not to mention that you would
throw your spine out of alignment. Really, think about it – the position is

Another concern is fluid; some women worry that they get too wet and
others worry that they are not wet enough. This fluid is soft, smooth and
sensual to the touch. If this was a Chemist made product, it would be
highly sought after and extraordinarily expensive. Men love the touch of
a woman’s wetness, as it says, “Yes, I want you”. Men need indications
and responses to let them know that they are doing well. Men love to
know you are horny and nothing says it better than sending down your
juices. A smart, or at least a considerate lover, will also be aware that if
you are not wet enough, he needs to spend a bit more time on the
foreplay. So, don’t get anxious about not being wet enough, just thank
your body for letting him know he needs to back up, slow down and pay
attention. Wetness of course, also protects the vagina as well as
providing the slidiness. Slidiness may not be the correct term, but, I’m
sure you now what I mean and understand the importance of it. If
dryness is a health related problem, there are excellent lubricants
available and quite a lot of herbs that can help in many cases.

Probably the most self-consciousness is about smell. Yes, we have all
heard the fish jokes. Most women will at some time notice a stronger
smell than usual and feel concerned. If you feel you may have a
problem, then see a doctor as you may have an infection or an STD. If
you are healthy and do not have a medical problem, then the most
probable cause is hygiene. Vaginal fluid is healthy, necessary and
normal, and it does not usually have a strong odour. It has such an ever
so slight and subtle smell, that it is hardly noticeable and usually quite
pleasant, much like sweat has a nice subtle, salty smell, but if left
unchecked it becomes a strong and unpleasant odour. A considerate
lover will always make sure she is fresh and clean before engaging in
sex. Some women are so self-conscious about their odour that they
become fanatically clean and go so far as to use perfumed products.
This is a bad idea, as your vaginal fluids contain pheromones which act
as aphrodisiacs. That smell that you are all precious about is actually
turning on your lover. Perhaps, you would do better to toss out your
perfume and dab a little vaginal fluid behind your ears as well.

Too fat, too thin, big tits, little tits and saggy bits.
When are women going to get over all of this. Do something about it if it
really is causing you anguish. Ideally, do something with your attitude
rather than your body parts. Men may have hairy arses, beer bellies or
weak calf muscles, but they don’t attack their own sexuality over it, do
they. Being sexy and enjoying sex has nothing to do with the size or
shape of your body parts. If men have one complaint, it is this: they are
sick of women making reference to body defects. They just don’t care. If
you think your bum is too big then it probably is, but men don’t care.
They are very interested in ejaculating into your vagina; they are not
interested in skin elasticity or fat cells. Save it for your girlfriends,
therapist or cosmetic surgeon.

We are self-conscious about a lot of things and most of it is a bit
neurotic. If you really care for your lover, or more so if you are in love
with your lover, then it is only human to want to know that you are
sexually exciting, pleasurable and fulfilling.

Sex, as an expression of love, can be, and should be, ‘A Sacred Ritual’.
Society may have reduced it to a stress management technique, a sport
or entertainment. Some people will compare it to a basic need as simple
as having a meal. I have heard quoted “Why buy a book when you can
join a library” as a justification for screwing around. It’s easy to trivialize
and devalue things, it’s easy to become cynical and detach ourselves
from emotional issues, but in the end it becomes very cold and empty
and within us all is the knowledge and longing that we do need to be
loved. We need to love, we need to be loved, and we need to express
love. The expression of love requires an intellectual, emotional and
physical connection. This is where empathy comes into it; we need to
know that deep within us and through all of our senses that we are
being honoured. Love requires vulnerability. To truly give our innermost
private self we need to feel safe, respected and to some degree, a little

Of course, sex can be casual, playful, debauched or just lazy, as well as
having many other dimensions. Any or all of these aspects can play in
and out of a healthy relationship and all are quite acceptable. Most long-
term relationships include ‘quickie sex’ or ‘just getting your rocks off’ sex.
One night stands or casual encounters can also range from spectacular
and exciting to indifferent servicing. However, one night stands and
quickie sex are separate issues and I am really addressing women’s
sexuality, attitudes and experiences. While acknowledging that we are
all different and have different desires and needs, and that sex has a
huge range of complexities, I am mainly relating to sex as a loving
expression and basic human need.

Techniques can be learned, practised and perfected. Everyone has a
responsibility to themselves and their lovers to educate themselves. No
matter how athletic or skillful you are, it will mean very little if you do not
connect empathetically with your partner, no-one wants to feel like they
are a slab of meat being masturbated into. Empathy is about tuning into
your partner, feeling, responding, sensing and caring. Having a big dick,
a bag of tricks and plenty of stamina are all advantages, but if a woman
feels that she is nothing more than a vessel to you, then she won’t be
interested for very long.

We pay a lot of attention to the importance of genital stimulation and
accept that female orgasm is all about the clitoris. Too often, foreplay
begins and ends with the genitals. Too often, sex begins and ends with
the genitals. Although pleasure, satisfaction and orgasm can be
achieved, it can and will be very unfulfilling and heartless in a long-term
relationship. Sexual technique and stamina are important, but they do
not make a good lover and they are not the key ingredients of great sex.
For many men, sex education comes through pornography,
masturbation or story telling with other men. Too often, men focus on
the physical aspects of sex and sometimes act like sex is a race to the
finish line.

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What Women Want
Women's views on Sexuality
Sex as a spiritual ritual

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